For some reason I've had marriage on the mind lately.
Fancy that.
I have been dating my boyfriend for 4.5 months. Longest relationship I've ever had, and I seriously love him more and more every single day. I definitely wouldn't be opposed to marrying him, but I don't think I'm ready for such a big step in my life right now. At least that's the thought I had as I was walking to the temple yesterday.
I just read two articles about marriage and the fear of marriage from lds.org. It helped calm a lot of my fears, but it's still a big decision to make. It's also not just my decision. He has a lot of reservations about marriage, and has told me this from the start. I think a lot of it is fear. He once mentioned that with me he wasn't as afraid. And recently in our relationship he has said he is more open to the idea, but he's still not 100% there. I don't know if time will help him feel okay with it, or if I should show him these links. I know part of the reason he broke up with his last girlfriend was because she started pushing marriage. I don't want to push him, but I'm worried that if I don't, we will perpetually be in the dating stage. He has said, too, that he's waiting for his best friend to get back from his mission before he gets married, which is like October 2014. That's forever away, but I guess I'll worry about that when the time comes. Right now I just have to figure out how receptive he is on the idea. "Perfect love casteth out all fear." I just need him to see that.
I'm probably trying to move the relationship too fast. After all, I've known I love him for months now, whereas he just discovered it about a month ago. I'm always a step ahead, so maybe I just need to be patient and wait for him to bring it up. If he ever will. I wasn't even going to think about "the m word" for a while, but like I said, it's been on my mind this weekend and I don't know why. Maybe it's God telling me that if I don't do something about it, it will never get done. I guess ultimately I shouldn't decide until after I pray about it, but I had to get my thoughts out to figure out what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling.
I love him. This I know. I know he's not perfect, but I love him anyway. A lot of my reservations come from the fact that he isn't perfect, so I wonder if he's perfect for me. Is there someone else God is preparing me for? I know it's not that simple, that God doesn't have a perfect match for everyone. That's what makes it hard. If "any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price," according to Pres. Kimball, how will I know what I'm supposed to do? After reading through these talks and my patriarchal blessing, I have a good feeling about marrying Coltin. But I don't know if the timing is right. I don't think I'm ready to get married. It's an eternal decision, so I need to take more time to think about it, and then go to the Lord in prayer. In the meantime, I should probably sign a housing contract for next year. We're both planning on living in the same complex, so that should make things easier (:
One other thing to add to the timing weirdness: he's gonna be gone all summer for work, from May to August. It's gonna be hecka hard, I know, but hopefully "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
I just love him so much!
