Lost and Found

So here I am, sitting in my apartment all by myself, trying to get the motivation to write my four page English paper that's due tomorrow, and I procrastinating-ly decide to check my email before starting it.

I am so glad that I did.

I got an email from David early this morning, out of nowhere. I haven't written him in ages, because I am a terrible friend. But he got a prompting to write me, and I am SO so grateful that he listens to those promptings.

I have really been struggling for a few months now, and I was kind of unaware that I was until recently. The past few weeks have made me realize how lost I am, and how in desperate need I am of someone to reach out and help me. I haven't been that shining example I once was, and even though I sometimes can't find the desire to do all the righteous things I know I am supposed to, David helped me remember that there are people counting on me to do the right thing.

Here's his letter.

"Kelsey!  I don't know why I'm writing you, but I've been thinking of you a lot the past few weeks, and feel like I should write and tell you hi.  I just want to thank you for being a very righteous friend to me--you were always so dedicated to keeping the commandments, from moral purity, to sabbath observance, to regular temple attendance.  I actually learned from you to wear my church clothes all day on Sunday as respect for the day of the Lord.  I really appreciate that.  I haven't heard much from back home recently, but want you to know that I love you and that I'm grateful to have you as my friend.

Life in the Philippines has many challenges.  One of them is that most of the pianos here are out of tune.  Every time I hear one, I think of you and laugh a little bit inside myself.  However, there is a beautiful lesson in this.  We, like pianos, need continual tuning--repentance--in order to keep our wills in line with the the will of the Lord.  Without such, any melody that the Lord wishes to play through us just won't come out quite right.  On the other hand, as we repent, that which we do ever day becomes more melodious and more beautiful.  We are filled with joy and peace, and don't have to feel that uncomfortable cringing that comes when things are "out of tune." I know that this is true and bear witness thereof in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

There.  That's my musical analogy for the day.  I thought you would appreciate it  I hope you like it and that you're well.  I love you as my friend, and know that you can always write me about anything.

Love,
Elder David S. Kartchner"

I forgot that I used to be the righteous example everyone looked up to. I don't even remember what that feels like anymore, but I know I need to get that back. I know that God is keenly aware of my needs, and He knows when I am crying out for someone to find me. From over 7,000 miles away, across the Pacific Ocean, David was able to be there for me when I needed it most.

He even made a music reference (: which actually helped me see what I need to do clearer than any other way would have. I have been "out of tune" lately, and I need to fix that.

I am so grateful for the Gospel, and that God hears and answers our pleas. I can't even say prayers, because I have been too much of a chicken to actually pray about it. But in my heart I was crying out, and He heard me. I am so grateful for friends who act on promptings. I am grateful for music in my life, and for being able to relate it to my life when nothing else works. I am grateful for trials to help us see the path we should be on. Even though breaking up after a five month relationship has been hard, I am starting to see that it was a good thing. I need to be back on the right path, and even though Coltin was a great guy, dating him was not the path I needed to be on.

I'm going to make it.

Everything will work out.

With God on my side, I CANNOT fail.

<3

And now back to writing that English paper...

Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday.

For some reason I've had marriage on the mind lately.

Fancy that.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4.5 months. Longest relationship I've ever had, and I seriously love him more and more every single day. I definitely wouldn't be opposed to marrying him, but I don't think I'm ready for such a big step in my life right now. At least that's the thought I had as I was walking to the temple yesterday.

I just read two articles about marriage and the fear of marriage from lds.org. It helped calm a lot of my fears, but it's still a big decision to make. It's also not just my decision. He has a lot of reservations about marriage, and has told me this from the start. I think a lot of it is fear. He once mentioned that with me he wasn't as afraid. And recently in our relationship he has said he is more open to the idea, but he's still not 100% there. I don't know if time will help him feel okay with it, or if I should show him these links. I know part of the reason he broke up with his last girlfriend was because she started pushing marriage. I don't want to push him, but I'm worried that if I don't, we will perpetually be in the dating stage. He has said, too, that he's waiting for his best friend to get back from his mission before he gets married, which is like October 2014. That's forever away, but I guess I'll worry about that when the time comes. Right now I just have to figure out how receptive he is on the idea. "Perfect love casteth out all fear." I just need him to see that.

I'm probably trying to move the relationship too fast. After all, I've known I love him for months now, whereas he just discovered it about a month ago. I'm always a step ahead, so maybe I just need to be patient and wait for him to bring it up. If he ever will. I wasn't even going to think about "the m word" for a while, but like I said, it's been on my mind this weekend and I don't know why. Maybe it's God telling me that if I don't do something about it, it will never get done. I guess ultimately I shouldn't decide until after I pray about it, but I had to get my thoughts out to figure out what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling.

I love him. This I know. I know he's not perfect, but I love him anyway. A lot of my reservations come from the fact that he isn't perfect, so I wonder if he's perfect for me. Is there someone else God is preparing me for? I know it's not that simple, that God doesn't have a perfect match for everyone. That's what makes it hard. If "any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price," according to Pres. Kimball, how will I know what I'm supposed to do? After reading through these talks and my patriarchal blessing, I have a good feeling about marrying Coltin. But I don't know if the timing is right. I don't think I'm ready to get married. It's an eternal decision, so I need to take more time to think about it, and then go to the Lord in prayer. In the meantime, I should probably sign a housing contract for next year. We're both planning on living in the same complex, so that should make things easier (:

One other thing to add to the timing weirdness: he's gonna be gone all summer for work, from May to August. It's gonna be hecka hard, I know, but hopefully "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

I just love him so much!

I suppose I should post a life update.

SO.
My life has completely changed since last I posted.
Ironically enough, my last post was right before I started dating the most incredible guy. Like, later on that same night. :P

So we've been dating a little over three months. We went through our mid-relationship crisis last week, where we actually broke up and got back together a week and a half later, but now we're stronger than ever! I love him more than words can describe. (: He just makes me so incredibly happy! (:

I am officially in the music therapy program, and LOVING it! It is seriously the best major ever. We have soo much fun. I really love the people in the program, and the music majors in general. They are some great people (: I love all of my classes, and everything is just great!

I have the best calling in the world: relief society secretary. I get to be a part of the presidency and experience that love for these great sisters, but without the responsibilities of the president or counselors! We have the most incredible sisters in our relief society, and I just adore them. I am SO grateful for my calling.

I feel like I want to ramble on about how wonderful my boyfriend is, but I don't want to bore anyone, haha. I'll just give a brief summary, how's that? His name is Coltin Grover. He is a psychology major, and wants to work with autistic kids (how cute is that!?). He volunteers at the temple baptistry every Saturday! His family are some of my favorite people. He's the oldest of 5, and I just adore his younger siblings. And his mom is the sweetest ever! If I ever marry this boy, I already love the in-laws. (; (Side note: if we got married my initials would be KDOG. SO COOL, RIGHT!?) Also, he's obsessed with zombies, Marvel comics/superheroes, Batman, and video games. Haha. But he's hilarious. We have so much fun together. He definitely brings out the four-year-old in me (: He is so great!

In the interest of not boring people, I'll stop there. I love him; the end. (:

I Will Rise!

"There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise"

http://youtu.be/_FQb-cVwbKE

I absolutely LOVE this song. The USU Chamber Singers sang this at our concert two weeks ago, and then last night they did it again at the Alex Boyé... Seriously, every time I hear it it chills me to the bone. The music pierces my heart in such a way that I can't even describe. It is such an amazing song, and they performed it so well. So spectacular.

I WILL rise when God calls my name! He is my Savior, my Redeemer, and I love Him so much! Through Him, I can conquer anything and EVERYthing. He has gone through what I am experiencing, and is there to help me. He knows me, He knows my problems, and He knows how I feel. He loves me and wants me to be happy.

And so I will rise as a disciple of Christ and be the best person I can be, with His help! I will stand tall and I will NOT back down!

I will be firm in the faith.

I will be valiant.

Best home teacher ever

..Who just so happens to be Justin's roommate. But he wouldn't have known about tonight otherwise, so that's good.

He sent me this vid on facebook, with the message "Bump this song SUPES loud. Now. And feel free to dance. :)"



So I can't accredit the whole "home teacher of the year" award to him, since he gained some free rider points just by living with him, but still. He's pretty great.

Well that was short-lived.

Single forever? I think yes.

We went for a walk, I wasn't expecting anything. I should have known.

He felt awkward the whole relationship, my foot. He did not once act like he felt awkward. No one else saw it coming either.

Apparently we're like magnets, where he's attracting to me but I'm not attracting to him. Gee thanks. That makes me feel great.

Why the eff did he keep trying to make things work? His logic makes absolutely zero sense. He didn't want to lose my friendship, so he thought maybe he wasn't trying hard enough. So he'd kiss me. Then decide, nope, nothing there. AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN A WEEK LATER.

I could understand a little bit of it at the beginning. He didn't know how he felt, he was confused. But when he agreed to date me he told me he had decided he liked me and that he was ready for a relationship. Great. Then what happened between then and now?

Son of a mother. Like seriously. Why would he put me through that? His thought process makes no sense. And he's not a cruel person, so why did he do it?

Can I swear off boys again? I've probably said that dozens of times in the past. But really, maybe it's a sign that I need to serve a mission and forget about boys. I'm going to start actively preparing now, and start my papers next semester.

Decision made.

Now I'm going to go watch Netflix and forget about life.

Life UPDATE!

Life is incredible!

Seriously.
So fantastic. :D

I haven't posted in quite a while. I don't even know where to begin!

So things with Justin have progressed off and on over the past month and a half, and we finally started officially dating this week :3 I like him a lot. We've basically been dating all semester, but he couldn't decide if he was ready for a relationship, lol. But after acting like a couple for a month, we officially are! And he's so fantastic (: (:

I'm working at a call center but I think I'm quitting soon. It's actually not that bad, since we mostly do inbound calls from like infomercials and what not, but I can't work very much since they close at 6 every night. So I'm really not making enough money. Plus I got a job at a local restaurant, but it's their new location that they're remodeling so I can't start till they actually open. But I'm excited to be back in the food business!

School is great, I love all my classes! My relief society president is my TA in my sociology class, so it's pretty awesome. I'm also the secretary in relief society, so I see her quite a bit (: I love my calling! Our girls are so great. It's so fun (:

Institute is pretty much the best thing ever! I love my class. Such an uplifting experience every time I go! (Which is twice a week.) And my ward is wonderful! The bishopric is so great! I have discovered recently that I use way too many superlatives, baha. But anyhoo. Life is the best (:

Conference was a week and a half ago, and I seriously love those men so much! They truly are men of God, and I am so grateful we have them to lead and guide us (: President Monson is fantastic! He's so funny.

I really am not making much sense in this post. It's really quite jumbled and doesn't make much sense. But I'm hungry anyway, so I'm gonna eat dinner. And then go country dancing in an hour and a half! I LOVE DANCING SO MUCH! I'm in a swing class on campus, where we're learning lindy and charleston and what not. SO much fun. Okay, I really am done now. You all are wonderful (:

Sonder

n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

My life is brilliant!

Or shall we try another song?
"Everything is great, everything is grand! I've got the whole wide world in the palm of my hand!"

Seriously, though. Life is amazing.

I really like USU. My classes are fun, my major is fantastic, everyone seems really nice, and we already made friends with the boys' apartment next door (; We've basically done something with them, or at least with Justin, every day. (:

Monday we met them at the stake dance, and Justin and Zach walked us home. Tuesday we watched the Avengers on Old Main hill with the two of them, and star-gazed afterward (: Wednesday we went to Day on the Quad with Justin, and I think that was the day I ran into Zach on campus, too. Thursday we went to the football game with them and their roommate Shan, which was AWESOME. And last night we made zucchini bread with Shan and Nick, their other roommate, and played phase 10 while it baked. Shan bailed on us and we went to the institute opening social, but after the free food, the dancing was just really lame. So we went back to their apartment, where the rest of the boys were, and watched Taken... There may or may not have been cuddling involved (; Following which we danced in the rain, went puddle jumping, played on the playground, and ran through the sprinklers! I love boys. (: Not sure what's gonna happen with him, but I at least know it was not a one-sided experience :P

DOCTOR WHO HAS ALREADY AIRED IN THE UK. I FOUND IT ONLINE, EVEN THOUGH IT HASN'T BEEN RELEASED IN THE US YET. WATCHING IT ASAP. #obsessed

I LOVE the Doctor. *sigh*

Update on the Monson party.

Picture wouldn't load earlier... but here it is!

Funny things that happened:

• When we first got there to set up the buffet table, they were taking pictures of Pres. Monson with the decorations. They told him to look and admire everything as they took a picture, and he mockingly went "Oooooh, aaaaah!"
• After they finished the pictures he came and touched each of our shoulders and said "mucho macho" to each of us...... Haha whatever that means!
• When I went to take Elder Perry's dirty plate from him, he did a kind of basketball shuffle thing with the plates to dodge around the person that walked in front of us, haha.
• The kid to the right of Pres. Monson in the picture is in the same ward as Pres. Uchtdorf, Elder Hales and Elder Bednar. When Pres. Monson asked where he was from and he told him that, he asked if they came to church and said to keep them in line :P
• Also, Dieter always comes up to Trent (that's his name) at church to talk to him, and every time without fail claps him on the shoulder and says "you're a good young man." He did the same thing at the luncheon.
• Pres. Monson made us take his cake plate when he went back for seconds "to get rid of the evidence."
• After we took that one too, they decided they needed a picture of him with a piece of cake. As soon as the picture was taken he hurriedly scarfed down a few bites before his daughter, Sis. Dibb, comes over and says "I think you've had enough, Dad." Haha SO cute.
• When I took his plate he grabbed his glass of milk and put his hand over it to make sure I didn't take that too. (We bring him some 2% milk every year. Also, it's very important that it's 2%. He can tell the difference apparently!)
• One of the times he was posing for a picture he said "hurry up, I can't pose all day you know!"
• After everyone was pretty much gone and we were cleaning up, the Monsons walked around the table to look at all the pictures (of him fishing, mostly), and they got back to where they started and he said "where'd my wife go?" Haha he thought he lost her, but they were pushing her wheelchair behind him the whole time!
• On the note of the fishing pictures, he LOVES to fish and his office is full of fishing pictures and whatnot. The flowers and decorations around the buffet table even had a fishing pole added for decoration!
• Apparently he wanted to bring in the actual fish he caught recently, he was really proud of it or something, but they convinced him that bringing a picture of him with the fish would suffice :P

Over all it was just a very fun, funny day! Watching the apostles laugh and joke with each other was great. And Pres. Monson is just hilarious! I love the man. (:

Happy 85th birthday, President Monson! (yesterday)

Yesterday was the birthday of our beloved prophet, and I got the opportunity to serve at his birthday luncheon at the Church Administration Building (: Coolest experience ever. The entire Quorum of the Twelve and First Presidency were there, and they're all really cool, funny people! President Monson joked with us a lot, and it was just great (: My boss doesn't want the other servers to get jealous or upset, so I'm not allowed to post about it on facebook or anything ): But good thing I have a blog!

The Church is true. President Thomas S. Monson is a true prophet. The apostles are all called of God. I am so grateful for their words of inspiration and divine counsel to each and every one of us!

I really love my mom a lot. I'm sorry for being so negative lately. From now on, this blog is going to have more positivity and enlightenment (: I love life!

Everything's wrong and I hate myself and this keeps happening and no one cares and I can't do this, I can't take it anymore. What is wrong with me?

I LOVE my friends.

I spent the night with Dylan, and I seriously love that boy! We're seriously so similar and he's such a great friend. He helps me understand myself better. It's amazing really, he has come so far in the past year. He's decided the Church isn't for him, but he refuses to be with someone who doesn't believe in a Higher Being at all. He still believes someone's up there, and it helps him out so much, I can tell. His spirituality and astronomy (and whatever else it is, I'm not entirely clear) really get him through the day, and push him to be better. In an odd way, I really do look up to him. He's so strong and confident. Definitely something I need to work on in myself.

And yesterday and today I spent a lot of time with Mallory, whom I also love. We ran errands yesterday, then after we both got off work had a sleepover! Watched Megamind, and went to the temple this morning (: Quite the adventure, that's for sure. The Draper temple was closed so we continued on to American Fork and went to the Timpanogos temple. So wonderful (:

Conversations with Dylan though, really. He questions me and my motives behind what I do. Tonight, he made me think about what I'm actually passionate about in life. As I talked about anatomy, he could see my passion for that and thinks I should do something with that for a living. But I'm passionate about music as well. Music therapy really is perfect for me, because it combines two things I love: music, and helping people. Along with singing and playing the piano, I love country music. And family history. And boys :P And my best friends. (:

Edit: Ha. My last two posts are titled "I love ______." Fantastic. (:

I love my mother!

My aunt's status the other day:

"I WONDER...

What would happen if we treated our scriptures like we treat our cell phones?
What if we carried them around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through them several times a day?
What if we turned back to go get them if we forgot them?
What if we used them to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated them like we couldn't live without them?
What if we interrupted our favorite program to take just one verse?
What if we gave them to our kids as a gift?
What if we made sure our friends and family were on the same plan?
What if we stepped out of a meeting just to read one encouraging verse?
What if we used them when we traveled?
What if we used them in case of emergency?
What if we interrupted our dinner to read them?WHAT IF??"

And my mom commented "Kelsey does do this:)"

I'm not sure if that's entirely true; yes I bring them with me if I'm going somewhere and haven't had the chance to read them yet, in hopes that I'll find time (and I don't usually anyway, but it's the thought that counts right?), but I don't receive much praise or recognition from my parents in general, and it means a lot to me that she would say that. (: I love my mom!

40 days of Feel Good (: EDIT: (read on)

I got a facebook invite today that really seems like a fantastic idea. Here it is if you haven't seen it yet.

What it says is that for 40 days, starting August 1, we are going to:
-exercise at least four times a week
-not eat junk food for 6 days a week (you decide on what you consider junk food)
-no pop
-one hour of service per week
-write at least one sentence in your journal every day 
-read in your scriptures every single day
-pray daily
-no gossiping 
-only 30 minutes of Facebook a day 
-Turn off all electronics before you go to bed to increase your amount of sleep
AND you aren't allowed to say or think anything negative about yourself. If you start thinking negatively, try to think the opposite. 

Imagine what you could achieve if you only tried! :)

It really is such a great idea. I'm going to personalize it a bit and add going to bed between 12 and 1, making the time earlier and earlier as I get close to classes starting (when I have to wake up at freaking 7am every Monday and Wednesday.... shoot me now :P lol), and read an Ensign article every night before bed. I will get no more than 8 hours of sleep a night by setting an alarm and actually getting up when it goes off, and practice violin and piano for a total of at least an hour every day. I will also attend the temple once a week, and whenever I watch TV I will index at the same time, so I'm not just wasting my life away in front of the television :P

I figure blogging about it will help me stay on task, if I know you guys are checking up on me. Feel free to text me throughout the month and see how I'm doing! Positive encouragement is always good. (:

Starts Wednesday, but first step for today: get off the computer and stop being a lazy bum!

EDIT: I can't do the junk food one. I live off of ice cream. (While I'm living at home and have an unlimited supply anyway! Maybe I'll start it when I get to school (: ) Also, I'm not worried about my weight anyway, so I don't see the point of this one :P It's not that I'm giving up or anything, but I only have a few weeks left at home when I can eat such things at my own pleasure. So I'm adapting the original challenge to my own needs!

The next person who reads this will be the 100th viewer! (Well, it will be the 100th time my blog was viewed. Sounded more exciting in my head, but go you!)

I realize the title of this post has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm writing.


It happens.


I have a lot of thoughts running through my head, because of work, because of a book I'm reading, and because of social situations in general. The first is how much I hate it when people lie, whether to themselves or to others. The truth is almost always the best option. If people were just honest about their feelings, others would be able to help them. They can't if they don't know what's wrong, or even that anything is wrong in the first place. Maybe I just speak my mind too much, but reading books and reading what people are supposedly thinking as the events are taking place, it really bugs me when they keep their thoughts to themselves. I guess they can't see the big picture and realize it will help everyone if they just say "hey mom, the reason this bugs me is this." Is it really that hard? I guess this is kind of a random and pointless rant, but the book scenarios were just the start of my thought process. All it's left me to conclude, however, is that honesty is the best policy.


Also, people at work bug me sometimes. This is entirely unrelated to books and honesty (but who knows, maybe I'll end up tying it into honesty somehow). I don't understand why I don't get treated the same as the rest of the "in" crowd, or whatever you want to call them. They're nice and friendly to me, but when they start planning some big party or whatever, they don't bother to invite me. It's pretty much gonna be everyone at work that they like, which apparently doesn't include me. It's not like they're trying to hide its existence from those of us who aren't cool enough to receive an invite, either. I've heard them talk about it on multiple occasions with various different people. (Yes I know that's a repetitive phrase, but I don't even care right now.) What makes me different than them? Is it something I did? Something I said? Or just who I am? Sometimes I think maybe I try too hard. In the book I'm reading, the girl talks about how maintaining popularity is hard work, and that at any moment the platform could fall and you'd be stranded on your own. (See look, I ended talking about my book anyway.) She says "ask a random kid today if she wants to be popular and she'll tell you no, even if the truth is that if she was in a desert dying of thirst and had the choice between a glass of water and instant popularity, she'd probably choose the latter." Seriously? I'd take the freaking water. I'm thirsty just thinking about it. But for some reason, I still try to be like them; still get offended when they don't invite me.


I keep saying I don't care what people thinking, but truth of the matter is, everyone cares, and I'm no exception. There are definitely moments when I care less, but there are also those where I still care too much. "It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and you realize that the people you have known forever don't see the things the way you do. And so you keep the memories, but find yourself moving on" (Nicholas Sparks). When I reblogged this on tumblr recently, I commented that I also realized that the people I used to want to be like aren't the kind of people I want to be around anymore. I used to think they were cool, but now I have realized that they are not. I haven't admitted this to anyone before, but when I first met my roommates at the beginning of last year, just after seeing them the first day or two I thought they were going to be your classic "in crowd" or whatever. A few of them had gone out hot tubbing that first night, while I was left alone at the apartment. At first I wasn't too thrilled at the thought of living with them. But when I saw the roommates my other friends had ended up with, older and more mature, I thought I was glad I got to have the young, fun ones. I saw it as being a break-through, that maybe I'd be friends with the cool kids, and become cool by defect. Of course that's what I had wanted in high school but never got. But as I got to know my roommates, I realized, yes, they were cool and people liked them, but that was because they were nice. They were genuine. They had testimonies. I grew to love them for all that they are. When it came down to it, however, and I could hang out with a bunch of kids in the ward that everyone loved and were fun to be with, there was still something missing. That personal connection, that bond. I came to realize over the course of this year, that while being friends with the cool kids has its perks, what I really needed were true friends. At the end of the day, if I could go talk to one of my best friends, anything else that had happened that day didn't matter anymore. I love them.


Maybe the reason this thing at work is bugging me is the fact that I don't even have any friends to fall back on since they don't care to be my friend. Sure, I've got plenty of friends, but the problem is, they're all between being 40 minutes away to being in Alaska. What am I supposed to do now when I need someone to talk to, tell me I'm great, to reassure me in my moments of self-doubt? Well, I guess the answer I've chosen is to blog, but that'll only get me so far. I miss social interactions. I miss my best friends; all of them. There are between eight and ten people I wish would never be far away. Oh, what's that, I'm moving to Logan where they'll all be 125 miles (2 hours in good traffic) away? With the exception of one who will only be 45 miles away, which is still an hour, but wait, I don't have a car. This is turning into a pity party. Too bad my brother ate the last of the ice cream. I really don't know what I'm talking about anymore.


I guess what it comes down to is, friends are necessary for survival. To be liked is not just a desire, but a need. I do like my alone time, but too much of it isn't good for the health. Case in point, these rambling posts. It doesn't matter what people think, but that doesn't stop us from caring. I miss my friends immensely. I love them more than they know.


One more thing blogging has made me realize about myself: I am selfish.

I'm ready for a new start, a new life. As much as I've dreaded the change, I now await it with open arms.

The Fellowship of the Unashamed

"I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made--I am a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean in His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer and I labor with power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, hired away, turned back, diluted, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, give up till I drop, preach till all know, and work till He stops me. And when He comes my banner will be clear!

I must go 'til he comes. Give 'til I drop. Preach 'til all know. And work 'til he stops me and when he returns for his own he will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear."

--unknown

You may have heard that it is by Henry B. Eyring. That is incorrect. There's also the one that was supposedly Boyd K. Packer about the hush falling around heaven when they found out you lived during Pres. Hinckley's presidency, but that one was addressed in a letter from the First Presidency in sacrament meeting a few years ago. I want to know how these all got started? Who decided to start the rumors, and how do they escalate to become Church-wide? I heard this great poem/quote/whatever last week in sacrament meeting, where a girl said they had memorized it on her mission. Really? I mean, it's great, don't get me wrong, but surely someone in the mission should have done their research and realized it was not spoken by an apostle. Oh well. I just spent close to an hour trying to figure out where it's from. I got a lot of results that said Dr. Bob Moorhead, but someone said they checked his site and he said it wasn't him. The best I've got is it was a young man in Rwanda was told to deny Christ or die, and after he was shot on the spot they found the poem in his room. Perhaps Dr. Moorhead quoted this story.

I would love to memorize it, though; it's fantastic.

I Am David

That's the name of a movie I ended up watching con la mia famiglia this evening. It was surprisingly good. There were moments when I felt it was maybe a tad slow, but had I been in a more creative/artistic mood I'm sure it would have just been touching. Nevertheless, when the movie ended it just left me thinking. Maybe it also had something to do with the fact that as soon as it was over my dad went to make a phone call, because apparently my grandmother is in the hospital... But think I did. I thought about the sad times in my life. The scary times. The only time I've ever seen my dad cry (and not while he was bearing his testimony). The things in life we take for granted. The friendships we wish were stronger. The blessings we don't fully appreciate.

Thanks to google, I now know it is also a book! I'm adding it to my list of "must-reads before summer ends." It's one of those movies that really touches you. Similar to August Rush, Les Miserables, and The Ultimate Gift, in my opinion. It makes me think that I really need to appreciate my blessings more; realize all the great things in life, and stop getting so caught up in what people think of me, or how my life is going to change in a month. Life is an amazing gift. We have so many wonderful things. Just the earth itself is enough to make us stand back in wonder and awe at the amazing gift God has given us, not to mention our bodies which are seriously the most incredible mechanisms, and our agency which rather speaks for itself in magnitude. And on top of all that, He blesses us every day, from the little things like finding our car keys to making sure we make it home safely to healing our sicknesses to inspiring others to say just what we needed to hear. Not to mention that He suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane for every little mistake we make, and the big ones too, out of pure love for us. He then was ridiculed, mocked, spit upon, beaten, bruised, and nailed to a cross so that I can live again. He wants all of us there with Him in the Mansions of His Father. He continues to do all He can to make sure we make it there. He loves us with an incredible love, and how do we repay Him? By forgetting to read His words. By not taking the time to kneel before Him and express gratitude for all that He gives us. By thinking not-so-nice thoughts toward others we encounter, whether it be nagging parents (who honestly just have our best interest at heart), ignorant drivers (who let's face it, could be late for a very important life-changing meeting; we've all been there), or even just people who sometimes don't use their heads (we can't all be blessed with incredible thinking capacities, can we?). Whatever the reason, whatever the excuse, our Savior gave His life for each and every one of us. Even if we do all we can it will never be enough, which is why He paid the price to make up the difference. Let's at least do our best, if not better. Make those sacrifices. Be that shining example. Determine now to always be valiant, no matter the cost.

"One key fortification you can build is to decide now, before you face a challenge, where to draw the line."

"Who's on the Lord's side, who? Now is the time to show."