4.22.2013

Lost and Found


So here I am, sitting in my apartment all by myself, trying to get the motivation to write my four page English paper that's due tomorrow, and I procrastinating-ly decide to check my email before starting it.

I am so glad that I did.

I got an email from David early this morning, out of nowhere. I haven't written him in ages, because I am a terrible friend. But he got a prompting to write me, and I am SO so grateful that he listens to those promptings.

I have really been struggling for a few months now, and I was kind of unaware that I was until recently. The past few weeks have made me realize how lost I am, and how in desperate need I am of someone to reach out and help me. I haven't been that shining example I once was, and even though I sometimes can't find the desire to do all the righteous things I know I am supposed to, David helped me remember that there are people counting on me to do the right thing.

Here's his letter.

"Kelsey!  I don't know why I'm writing you, but I've been thinking of you a lot the past few weeks, and feel like I should write and tell you hi.  I just want to thank you for being a very righteous friend to me--you were always so dedicated to keeping the commandments, from moral purity, to sabbath observance, to regular temple attendance.  I actually learned from you to wear my church clothes all day on Sunday as respect for the day of the Lord.  I really appreciate that.  I haven't heard much from back home recently, but want you to know that I love you and that I'm grateful to have you as my friend.
Life in the Philippines has many challenges.  One of them is that most of the pianos here are out of tune.  Every time I hear one, I think of you and laugh a little bit inside myself.  However, there is a beautiful lesson in this.  We, like pianos, need continual tuning--repentance--in order to keep our wills in line with the the will of the Lord.  Without such, any melody that the Lord wishes to play through us just won't come out quite right.  On the other hand, as we repent, that which we do ever day becomes more melodious and more beautiful.  We are filled with joy and peace, and don't have to feel that uncomfortable cringing that comes when things are "out of tune." I know that this is true and bear witness thereof in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
There.  That's my musical analogy for the day.  I thought you would appreciate it  I hope you like it and that you're well.  I love you as my friend, and know that you can always write me about anything.
Love,
Elder David S. Kartchner"

I forgot that I used to be the righteous example everyone looked up to. I don't even remember what that feels like anymore, but I know I need to get that back. I know that God is keenly aware of my needs, and He knows when I am crying out for someone to find me. From over 7,000 miles away, across the Pacific Ocean, David was able to be there for me when I needed it most.

He even made a music reference (: which actually helped me see what I need to do clearer than any other way would have. I have been "out of tune" lately, and I need to fix that.

I am so grateful for the Gospel, and that God hears and answers our pleas. I can't even say prayers, because I have been too much of a chicken to actually pray about it. But in my heart I was crying out, and He heard me. I am so grateful for friends who act on promptings. I am grateful for music in my life, and for being able to relate it to my life when nothing else works. I am grateful for trials to help us see the path we should be on. Even though breaking up after a five month relationship has been hard, I am starting to see that it was a good thing. I need to be back on the right path, and even though Coltin was a great guy, dating him was not the path I needed to be on.

I'm going to make it.
Everything will work out.
With God on my side, I CANNOT fail.
<3

And now back to writing that English paper...



3.10.2013

Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday.

For some reason I've had marriage on the mind lately.

Fancy that.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4.5 months. Longest relationship I've ever had, and I seriously love him more and more every single day. I definitely wouldn't be opposed to marrying him, but I don't think I'm ready for such a big step in my life right now. At least that's the thought I had as I was walking to the temple yesterday.

I just read two articles about marriage and the fear of marriage from lds.org. It helped calm a lot of my fears, but it's still a big decision to make. It's also not just my decision. He has a lot of reservations about marriage, and has told me this from the start. I think a lot of it is fear. He once mentioned that with me he wasn't as afraid. And recently in our relationship he has said he is more open to the idea, but he's still not 100% there. I don't know if time will help him feel okay with it, or if I should show him these links. I know part of the reason he broke up with his last girlfriend was because she started pushing marriage. I don't want to push him, but I'm worried that if I don't, we will perpetually be in the dating stage. He has said, too, that he's waiting for his best friend to get back from his mission before he gets married, which is like October 2014. That's forever away, but I guess I'll worry about that when the time comes. Right now I just have to figure out how receptive he is on the idea. "Perfect love casteth out all fear." I just need him to see that.

I'm probably trying to move the relationship too fast. After all, I've known I love him for months now, whereas he just discovered it about a month ago. I'm always a step ahead, so maybe I just need to be patient and wait for him to bring it up. If he ever will. I wasn't even going to think about "the m word" for a while, but like I said, it's been on my mind this weekend and I don't know why. Maybe it's God telling me that if I don't do something about it, it will never get done. I guess ultimately I shouldn't decide until after I pray about it, but I had to get my thoughts out to figure out what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling.

I love him. This I know. I know he's not perfect, but I love him anyway. A lot of my reservations come from the fact that he isn't perfect, so I wonder if he's perfect for me. Is there someone else God is preparing me for? I know it's not that simple, that God doesn't have a perfect match for everyone. That's what makes it hard. If "any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price," according to Pres. Kimball, how will I know what I'm supposed to do? After reading through these talks and my patriarchal blessing, I have a good feeling about marrying Coltin. But I don't know if the timing is right. I don't think I'm ready to get married. It's an eternal decision, so I need to take more time to think about it, and then go to the Lord in prayer. In the meantime, I should probably sign a housing contract for next year. We're both planning on living in the same complex, so that should make things easier (:

One other thing to add to the timing weirdness: he's gonna be gone all summer for work, from May to August. It's gonna be hecka hard, I know, but hopefully "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

I just love him so much!

2.15.2013

I suppose I should post a life update.

SO.
My life has completely changed since last I posted.
Ironically enough, my last post was right before I started dating the most incredible guy. Like, later on that same night. :P

So we've been dating a little over three months. We went through our mid-relationship crisis last week, where we actually broke up and got back together a week and a half later, but now we're stronger than ever! I love him more than words can describe. (: He just makes me so incredibly happy! (:

I am officially in the music therapy program, and LOVING it! It is seriously the best major ever. We have soo much fun. I really love the people in the program, and the music majors in general. They are some great people (: I love all of my classes, and everything is just great!

I have the best calling in the world: relief society secretary. I get to be a part of the presidency and experience that love for these great sisters, but without the responsibilities of the president or counselors! We have the most incredible sisters in our relief society, and I just adore them. I am SO grateful for my calling.

I feel like I want to ramble on about how wonderful my boyfriend is, but I don't want to bore anyone, haha. I'll just give a brief summary, how's that? His name is Coltin Grover. He is a psychology major, and wants to work with autistic kids (how cute is that!?). He volunteers at the temple baptistry every Saturday! His family are some of my favorite people. He's the oldest of 5, and I just adore his younger siblings. And his mom is the sweetest ever! If I ever marry this boy, I already love the in-laws. (; (Side note: if we got married my initials would be KDOG. SO COOL, RIGHT!?) Also, he's obsessed with zombies, Marvel comics/superheroes, Batman, and video games. Haha. But he's hilarious. We have so much fun together. He definitely brings out the four-year-old in me (: He is so great!

In the interest of not boring people, I'll stop there. I love him; the end. (: