So here's my current predicament.

I guess it's not that big of a deal, but it could become a bigger problem than it already is. I can't adjust my sleep schedule. Okay, so I haven't put as much effort into it as I should, but still. I need to be able to wake up earlier. Even when I go to bed at a reasonable time, I still sleep in to the same time. I think once I develop a habit of going to bed when I'd like to, it will become easier to wake up when I need to as well. But until then, I'm stuck. It doesn't help that I have very little self-motivation. I tell myself I need to go to bed, and I continue to a) browse the internet, even though I'm so bored and can't find anything else to look at but keep looking till I find something to mildly entertain myself, b) watch tv, or c) read a book. Now the reading, not such a bad thing, you may think. However, I have this weird thing when it comes to books I'm really into, where I seriously can't put it down until I find out what happens. So I have this bad habit, where as soon as I get to a point where I am seriously considering going to sleep and realize I don't have time to finish the book, I subconsciously decide to just read the "important" parts, aka the dialogue and enough details to tell me what happens, without reading very much of the descriptive nonsense, even if the descriptive helps me really figure out what's going on. But once I finish the book that way, (and it is a ridiculous hour of the morning,) I don't have an obsession to read every waking moment, and I'm content with reading the same amount normal people do when they read a book: whenever they have time/feel like it. So I've sort of finished all three books in the hunger games, but really I'm only about half way through the third book.

So anyhoo. About the sleeping thing. I think I just really need to put my mind to it. I have such a hard time with it, though. I think part of it is my extreme dislike of change. I've been living this way since I started college, almost two years ago. And before that, I still stayed up till around 12 or 1 most nights, I think. ..I don't actually remember. But that's beside the point. I can't deal with change. This next year might kill me, with transferring schools, finding a new job, living, essentially, a different life.. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. Probably with a lot of ranting my feelings out on here, to be honest.

My life really isn't that exciting, so this blog may not be worth anyone's time to read, but it's worth it to me to be able to figure out who I am. It's honestly something I haven't fully figured out yet. I'm still learning new things about myself every day. I discovered recently, for example, my need to feel secure and safe. That could turn into a blog post in and of itself. I'm sure when I have an experience with it and not just thoughts and feelings, it will happen. Wow, I'm really bad at staying on topic. And at run-on sentences. I guess that just adds to the theme of this blog.

Okay, so here's my plan. I'm going to set an alarm on my phone for 12am every night and that will be my reminder to myself that I need to go to sleep. Eventually, it will happen. And I will set my alarm in the morning for 8am and get up and go walking with my mom and Carol and our dog and the Conway's dog, and that will also prevent me from getting fat. Pretty sure I already weigh more than I ever have, since I've been the same for the past.. at least four years, maybe as much as six. But that's okay, as long as I'm staying healthy I don't really care how much I weigh. So hopefully I can maintain this sleep schedule all summer, maybe allowing myself leeway (side note, I've never written that word before and had to look up how to spell it. Weird.) on the weekends. That will make it easier in the fall when I have a class at 8:30 every Monday and Wednesday... Intro to Music Therapy. Can't say I'm looking forward to getting up that early :/ But I guess it's good for me. And it's only twice a week, I can manage. I hope.

I just realized. If I ever hope to succeed in any of this, the only way I'm going to be able to do it is with my Heavenly Father's help. I need to rely on Him more in my life. I feel rather at a standstill right now, testimony-wise. I need to be improving it, and my spirituality in general, at all times, but I feel kind of stuck. This happens a lot, so I know it's nothing to fret over, but I need to get my butt in gear. Just because I'm experiencing change and living at home for the first time in almost two years is no excuse to let myself slack on getting on my knees every morning and evening. Change like this always interrupts the flow of things and makes it hard to get back on track, but I know I can do it. I've done it before. I'm strong. I keep having a quote from Relief Society today come into my mind.

"We gain a testimony of any commandment of God by keeping that commandment,"  

cross reference John 7:17,

"If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself."

 It's not that I don't have a testimony of these things, but in order to strengthen them, in order to be better at them, the only way to get there is by doing it. Reminds me of Ether 12:27,

"And if men come unto me, I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men who do humble themselves before me; for if they do humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

The only way to improve is through Christ. Recognizing my weaknesses and believing, nay, knowing, that He will help me is the only way to make them my strengths.

This is why I go on random tangents. (: I discover things about myself, about the Gospel, about life, that I never would have otherwise. God is great. (:

Okay, I think that's enough for one night. It's only already one, and I must go to bed. Here's to self-motivation and determination to be better mixed with a reliance on my Savior in whom is the only way to reach my destination!