6.08.2012

Day 4: Knowledge - I will continually seek opportunities for learning and growth

When I quickly read through day 4's challenge this morning, my eyes immediately jumped to the third sentence: Do I take the time to pray?

I have a confession to make. It was one of those mornings where I had gotten 2, maybe 3 hours of sleep tops, and I was exhausted. I didn't want to get out of bed, let alone get up early enough to read my scriptures or pray. I decided while I was lying there that I had plenty of time to read on trax (which I did, mind you,) but I realized if I was going to make/keep/whatever the habit of praying every morning and night, I needed to this morning more than ever. Mostly because I had remembered the night before, which I never do since I only ever remember in the mornings, and I needed to make a streak out of it. Also, thinking back on it, a certain quote pops into mind: "It matters not whether you or I feel like praying, when the time comes to pray, pray. If we do not feel like it, we should pray till we do... You will find that those who wait till the Spirit bids them pray will never pray much on this earth" (Brigham Young). So nevertheless, I semi-knelt on my bed, since it is too high to actually kneel next to it, and said a quick, hurried, very repetitive prayer. I don't know why, but I've found lately that I can never figure out what to say and end up repeating myself. And it's not like I'm repeating those trite phrases they tell you not to repeat, although I'm sure I do that plenty enough, but when there's a lull I say the first thing that pops into my head, which is usually something I have already said. On my list of talks to read is a talk entitled "Improving Our Prayers," by Joseph B. Wirthlin, at I believe a BYU devotional. I feel like this talk will really help me at this point in my life, as well as a blog post on prayer I have saved to read. This is something I really want to work on. I need to.

Anyhoo, back on topic. The story for today's challenge is a poem, a letter of sorts.

Dear Friend,

I just had to send you a note to tell you how much I love you and care about  you. I saw you yesterday as you were walking with your friends. I waited  all day hoping you would want to talk with me, also. It hurt me that you  didn’t talk to me, but I still love you because I am your friend.  I saw you fall asleep last night, and I longed to touch your brow. So I  spilled moonlight on your pillow and your face. Again I waited, wanting to  rush down so that we could talk. I have so many gifts for you, but you awakened late the next day and rushed off to school. My tears were in the rain.


Today I noticed you looked sad, and upset. It makes my heart ache because I understand. My friends let me down and hurt me so many times too. But, I  love you. Oh, if only you would listen to me. I really love you. I try to tell you in the blue sky and in the green grass. I whisper in the leaves on the trees, and breathe it in the color of the flowers. I shout it to you in the mountain streams and give the birds love songs to sing, clothe you in warm sunshine and perfume the air with nature scents. My love for you is deeper than the oceans and bigger than the biggest want or need in your heart.


If you only knew how much I want to help you. I want you to meet my Father.    He wants to help you, too. My Father is that way, you know. Just call me,   ask me, talk with me. Please, please don’t forget me. I have so much to   share with you. But, I won’t hassle you any further. You are free to call   me. It’s up to you. I’ll wait because I love you.
Your brother, 

Jesus


My mother had this hanging in our bathroom all growing up. I wonder what she did with that.... I will have to inquire of her in the morning. But this is something that always hits home with me. I am guilty as charged, and always have been. Prayers have always been a struggle for me, I don't know why. I just can't seem to get myself into the habit of it; I simply can't remember to do so. The Bible Dictionary tells us that "as soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father, and we are His children), then at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part (Matt. 7:7-11). Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship." Interesting way to interpret that scripture, I must say... But that's beside the point. The point is, that scripture really hurts me. I feel like I do understand my divine nature as a daughter of God, but clearly I don't. Otherwise I would have no trouble remembering to pray every morning and night. I had finally begun to be in the habit of doing so towards the end of the semester, but change always throws me for a loop, in more ways than one, so moving home got rid of the habit, and I haven't been able to pick it back up again. There are so many things I need to work on that it sometimes feels overwhelming. But "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

One last thing that really got to me about this letter was the closing. I have always known that Jesus Christ is my Lord, Savior, Redeemer, Helper, and Friend, but sometimes I forget that He is also my Older Brother. His caring for me is as gentle as an older brother who cares about the well-being of his younger sister. It's a sweet gesture, and I really need to be more considerate. He loves me, and I need to better show my gratitude to Him in all that I say and do every day.

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