Day 5: Choice and Accountability - I will remain free by choosing good over evil and will accept responsibility for my choices

I need to think of the Savior more often, not only when I am about to make a decision, with WWJD and all that, but just in general. He needs to remain a part of my thoughts. I once heard "you become what you think about most." It may have just been some cheesy line from a powerpoint, but I stand by it. If I want to go on a mission, I need to stop thinking about how much I want to get married and have adorable children. (Although if an opportunity presents itself in the next year, I'll gladly take it. The marriage part, not the children.) I always seem to go off on tangents when writing posts. See, this entire paragraph has had nothing to do with choice and accountability.

It is very important that I think of Christ when I need to make a decision. I need to think of what He would do, how He would feel if I do the opposite, and of all that He has already suffered for me and that I don't want Him to have to suffer more. However, when I do slip up (which, let's face it, happens far too frequently for my liking), His Atonement will cover it. It is conditional, though. It requires Godly sorrow and true repentance.

The story for today's challenge isn't necessarily happy. It kind of puts you through a guilt trip. It makes you reflect on your past mistakes and shortcomings and on what you wish you could do differently. It makes me want to be a better person.

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.    There were no features except for the one wall covered by small index card   files. These files stretched from floor to ceiling and went endlessly in  both directions. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my  attention was one that read, "Boys I Have Liked." I opened it and began  flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names on each one. I then realized  where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog  system of my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and   small, in every detail. A sense of wonder and curiosity mixed with horror   stirred within me as I began opening files and looking at their contents.    Some brought joy and sweet memories, others a sense of shame and regret so   intense that I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.   A file named, "Friends" was next to the one marked, "Friends I Have   Betrayed". The titles ranged from he mundane to the weird, "Books I Have   Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed  At", "People I Have Hurt". Some were almost funny in their exactness.  "Things I Have Done in Anger", :Things I Have Muttered Under MY Breath at My  Parents".

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes,  fewer than I had hoped. I was overwhelmed by the volume of life I had lived.  Could it be possible that I had the time in my young life to write each of  these thousands or millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth, each was written in  my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked, "Songs I Have Listened To", I realized   the files grew to contain the contents. The cards were packed tightly, yet   after two or three yards I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it,   shamed, not so much of the quality of the music, but more by the amount of   time I knew it represented. When I came to the file marked, "Lustful   Thoughts", I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out inch by   inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at the   details. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. A rage   broke through me. "No one must see these cards. No one must ever see this   room. I have to destroy them." In a frenzy, I yanked the file out. Its size   didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. I took it out and   pounded it on the floor. Not a single card would come out. I desperately   pulled out a card and tried to rip it, but it was as strong as steel. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a sigh, then I saw it.  The title, "People I Have Shared the Gospel With". The handles were  brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle  and a small box fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on  one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to cry. Sobbing so deep it hurt my  stomach. I fell on my knees and cried out in shame. The rows of shelves  whirled around me. No one must ever know of this room. I must lock it up  and hide the key. But as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please,  not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus! I watched helplessly as He began to open  the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. In the moments that I could bring myself to look at  His face, I saw sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to go to the worst  boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at  me with pity in His eyes. But this wasn't a pity that angered me. I dropped my head and began to  cry again. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me. Then He got up  and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, he  took out a card and one by one He began to sign His name over mine. "NO!: I  shouted, rushing at Him. All I could find to say was, "NO, NO", as I pulled  the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on those cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so   alive. The name JESUS covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the cards back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign  all the cards. I do not think I will ever understand how he did it so  quickly. But, the next instance it seemed, I heard Him close the last file  and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is  finished", I stood up and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on  the door. There are still cards to be written.

Not only do I not want to cause any of that pain to my dear Savior and Friend, but I want to be able to say that I have been His loyal servant. I hope my "Comfort I Have Given" and "People I Have Shared the Gospel With" categories are sufficiently large.

Now, I am extremely tired right now and don't want to start rambling, so I'm just going to end with this. I am so grateful that my Savior was willing to suffer for me. He has already gone through so much, and I don't want Him to have to go through any more, so I will be valiant. I will "try a little harder to be a little better." Just a little at a time is all it takes. "Line upon line, precept upon precept." What I say and do can make a difference. I need to start preparing now to serve a mission. This preparation will also prepare me for marriage without obsessing over it. I love this Gospel. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and whatever is meant to happen will, in His own due time.