I Will Rise!

"There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise"

http://youtu.be/_FQb-cVwbKE

I absolutely LOVE this song. The USU Chamber Singers sang this at our concert two weeks ago, and then last night they did it again at the Alex Boyé... Seriously, every time I hear it it chills me to the bone. The music pierces my heart in such a way that I can't even describe. It is such an amazing song, and they performed it so well. So spectacular.

I WILL rise when God calls my name! He is my Savior, my Redeemer, and I love Him so much! Through Him, I can conquer anything and EVERYthing. He has gone through what I am experiencing, and is there to help me. He knows me, He knows my problems, and He knows how I feel. He loves me and wants me to be happy.

And so I will rise as a disciple of Christ and be the best person I can be, with His help! I will stand tall and I will NOT back down!

I will be firm in the faith.

I will be valiant.

Best home teacher ever

..Who just so happens to be Justin's roommate. But he wouldn't have known about tonight otherwise, so that's good.

He sent me this vid on facebook, with the message "Bump this song SUPES loud. Now. And feel free to dance. :)"



So I can't accredit the whole "home teacher of the year" award to him, since he gained some free rider points just by living with him, but still. He's pretty great.

Well that was short-lived.

Single forever? I think yes.

We went for a walk, I wasn't expecting anything. I should have known.

He felt awkward the whole relationship, my foot. He did not once act like he felt awkward. No one else saw it coming either.

Apparently we're like magnets, where he's attracting to me but I'm not attracting to him. Gee thanks. That makes me feel great.

Why the eff did he keep trying to make things work? His logic makes absolutely zero sense. He didn't want to lose my friendship, so he thought maybe he wasn't trying hard enough. So he'd kiss me. Then decide, nope, nothing there. AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN A WEEK LATER.

I could understand a little bit of it at the beginning. He didn't know how he felt, he was confused. But when he agreed to date me he told me he had decided he liked me and that he was ready for a relationship. Great. Then what happened between then and now?

Son of a mother. Like seriously. Why would he put me through that? His thought process makes no sense. And he's not a cruel person, so why did he do it?

Can I swear off boys again? I've probably said that dozens of times in the past. But really, maybe it's a sign that I need to serve a mission and forget about boys. I'm going to start actively preparing now, and start my papers next semester.

Decision made.

Now I'm going to go watch Netflix and forget about life.

Life UPDATE!

Life is incredible!

Seriously.
So fantastic. :D

I haven't posted in quite a while. I don't even know where to begin!

So things with Justin have progressed off and on over the past month and a half, and we finally started officially dating this week :3 I like him a lot. We've basically been dating all semester, but he couldn't decide if he was ready for a relationship, lol. But after acting like a couple for a month, we officially are! And he's so fantastic (: (:

I'm working at a call center but I think I'm quitting soon. It's actually not that bad, since we mostly do inbound calls from like infomercials and what not, but I can't work very much since they close at 6 every night. So I'm really not making enough money. Plus I got a job at a local restaurant, but it's their new location that they're remodeling so I can't start till they actually open. But I'm excited to be back in the food business!

School is great, I love all my classes! My relief society president is my TA in my sociology class, so it's pretty awesome. I'm also the secretary in relief society, so I see her quite a bit (: I love my calling! Our girls are so great. It's so fun (:

Institute is pretty much the best thing ever! I love my class. Such an uplifting experience every time I go! (Which is twice a week.) And my ward is wonderful! The bishopric is so great! I have discovered recently that I use way too many superlatives, baha. But anyhoo. Life is the best (:

Conference was a week and a half ago, and I seriously love those men so much! They truly are men of God, and I am so grateful we have them to lead and guide us (: President Monson is fantastic! He's so funny.

I really am not making much sense in this post. It's really quite jumbled and doesn't make much sense. But I'm hungry anyway, so I'm gonna eat dinner. And then go country dancing in an hour and a half! I LOVE DANCING SO MUCH! I'm in a swing class on campus, where we're learning lindy and charleston and what not. SO much fun. Okay, I really am done now. You all are wonderful (:

Sonder

n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

My life is brilliant!

Or shall we try another song?
"Everything is great, everything is grand! I've got the whole wide world in the palm of my hand!"

Seriously, though. Life is amazing.

I really like USU. My classes are fun, my major is fantastic, everyone seems really nice, and we already made friends with the boys' apartment next door (; We've basically done something with them, or at least with Justin, every day. (:

Monday we met them at the stake dance, and Justin and Zach walked us home. Tuesday we watched the Avengers on Old Main hill with the two of them, and star-gazed afterward (: Wednesday we went to Day on the Quad with Justin, and I think that was the day I ran into Zach on campus, too. Thursday we went to the football game with them and their roommate Shan, which was AWESOME. And last night we made zucchini bread with Shan and Nick, their other roommate, and played phase 10 while it baked. Shan bailed on us and we went to the institute opening social, but after the free food, the dancing was just really lame. So we went back to their apartment, where the rest of the boys were, and watched Taken... There may or may not have been cuddling involved (; Following which we danced in the rain, went puddle jumping, played on the playground, and ran through the sprinklers! I love boys. (: Not sure what's gonna happen with him, but I at least know it was not a one-sided experience :P

DOCTOR WHO HAS ALREADY AIRED IN THE UK. I FOUND IT ONLINE, EVEN THOUGH IT HASN'T BEEN RELEASED IN THE US YET. WATCHING IT ASAP. #obsessed

I LOVE the Doctor. *sigh*

Update on the Monson party.

Picture wouldn't load earlier... but here it is!

Funny things that happened:

• When we first got there to set up the buffet table, they were taking pictures of Pres. Monson with the decorations. They told him to look and admire everything as they took a picture, and he mockingly went "Oooooh, aaaaah!"
• After they finished the pictures he came and touched each of our shoulders and said "mucho macho" to each of us...... Haha whatever that means!
• When I went to take Elder Perry's dirty plate from him, he did a kind of basketball shuffle thing with the plates to dodge around the person that walked in front of us, haha.
• The kid to the right of Pres. Monson in the picture is in the same ward as Pres. Uchtdorf, Elder Hales and Elder Bednar. When Pres. Monson asked where he was from and he told him that, he asked if they came to church and said to keep them in line :P
• Also, Dieter always comes up to Trent (that's his name) at church to talk to him, and every time without fail claps him on the shoulder and says "you're a good young man." He did the same thing at the luncheon.
• Pres. Monson made us take his cake plate when he went back for seconds "to get rid of the evidence."
• After we took that one too, they decided they needed a picture of him with a piece of cake. As soon as the picture was taken he hurriedly scarfed down a few bites before his daughter, Sis. Dibb, comes over and says "I think you've had enough, Dad." Haha SO cute.
• When I took his plate he grabbed his glass of milk and put his hand over it to make sure I didn't take that too. (We bring him some 2% milk every year. Also, it's very important that it's 2%. He can tell the difference apparently!)
• One of the times he was posing for a picture he said "hurry up, I can't pose all day you know!"
• After everyone was pretty much gone and we were cleaning up, the Monsons walked around the table to look at all the pictures (of him fishing, mostly), and they got back to where they started and he said "where'd my wife go?" Haha he thought he lost her, but they were pushing her wheelchair behind him the whole time!
• On the note of the fishing pictures, he LOVES to fish and his office is full of fishing pictures and whatnot. The flowers and decorations around the buffet table even had a fishing pole added for decoration!
• Apparently he wanted to bring in the actual fish he caught recently, he was really proud of it or something, but they convinced him that bringing a picture of him with the fish would suffice :P

Over all it was just a very fun, funny day! Watching the apostles laugh and joke with each other was great. And Pres. Monson is just hilarious! I love the man. (:

Happy 85th birthday, President Monson! (yesterday)

Yesterday was the birthday of our beloved prophet, and I got the opportunity to serve at his birthday luncheon at the Church Administration Building (: Coolest experience ever. The entire Quorum of the Twelve and First Presidency were there, and they're all really cool, funny people! President Monson joked with us a lot, and it was just great (: My boss doesn't want the other servers to get jealous or upset, so I'm not allowed to post about it on facebook or anything ): But good thing I have a blog!

The Church is true. President Thomas S. Monson is a true prophet. The apostles are all called of God. I am so grateful for their words of inspiration and divine counsel to each and every one of us!

I really love my mom a lot. I'm sorry for being so negative lately. From now on, this blog is going to have more positivity and enlightenment (: I love life!

Everything's wrong and I hate myself and this keeps happening and no one cares and I can't do this, I can't take it anymore. What is wrong with me?

I LOVE my friends.

I spent the night with Dylan, and I seriously love that boy! We're seriously so similar and he's such a great friend. He helps me understand myself better. It's amazing really, he has come so far in the past year. He's decided the Church isn't for him, but he refuses to be with someone who doesn't believe in a Higher Being at all. He still believes someone's up there, and it helps him out so much, I can tell. His spirituality and astronomy (and whatever else it is, I'm not entirely clear) really get him through the day, and push him to be better. In an odd way, I really do look up to him. He's so strong and confident. Definitely something I need to work on in myself.

And yesterday and today I spent a lot of time with Mallory, whom I also love. We ran errands yesterday, then after we both got off work had a sleepover! Watched Megamind, and went to the temple this morning (: Quite the adventure, that's for sure. The Draper temple was closed so we continued on to American Fork and went to the Timpanogos temple. So wonderful (:

Conversations with Dylan though, really. He questions me and my motives behind what I do. Tonight, he made me think about what I'm actually passionate about in life. As I talked about anatomy, he could see my passion for that and thinks I should do something with that for a living. But I'm passionate about music as well. Music therapy really is perfect for me, because it combines two things I love: music, and helping people. Along with singing and playing the piano, I love country music. And family history. And boys :P And my best friends. (:

Edit: Ha. My last two posts are titled "I love ______." Fantastic. (:

I love my mother!

My aunt's status the other day:

"I WONDER...

What would happen if we treated our scriptures like we treat our cell phones?
What if we carried them around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through them several times a day?
What if we turned back to go get them if we forgot them?
What if we used them to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated them like we couldn't live without them?
What if we interrupted our favorite program to take just one verse?
What if we gave them to our kids as a gift?
What if we made sure our friends and family were on the same plan?
What if we stepped out of a meeting just to read one encouraging verse?
What if we used them when we traveled?
What if we used them in case of emergency?
What if we interrupted our dinner to read them?WHAT IF??"

And my mom commented "Kelsey does do this:)"

I'm not sure if that's entirely true; yes I bring them with me if I'm going somewhere and haven't had the chance to read them yet, in hopes that I'll find time (and I don't usually anyway, but it's the thought that counts right?), but I don't receive much praise or recognition from my parents in general, and it means a lot to me that she would say that. (: I love my mom!

40 days of Feel Good (: EDIT: (read on)

I got a facebook invite today that really seems like a fantastic idea. Here it is if you haven't seen it yet.

What it says is that for 40 days, starting August 1, we are going to:
-exercise at least four times a week
-not eat junk food for 6 days a week (you decide on what you consider junk food)
-no pop
-one hour of service per week
-write at least one sentence in your journal every day 
-read in your scriptures every single day
-pray daily
-no gossiping 
-only 30 minutes of Facebook a day 
-Turn off all electronics before you go to bed to increase your amount of sleep
AND you aren't allowed to say or think anything negative about yourself. If you start thinking negatively, try to think the opposite. 

Imagine what you could achieve if you only tried! :)

It really is such a great idea. I'm going to personalize it a bit and add going to bed between 12 and 1, making the time earlier and earlier as I get close to classes starting (when I have to wake up at freaking 7am every Monday and Wednesday.... shoot me now :P lol), and read an Ensign article every night before bed. I will get no more than 8 hours of sleep a night by setting an alarm and actually getting up when it goes off, and practice violin and piano for a total of at least an hour every day. I will also attend the temple once a week, and whenever I watch TV I will index at the same time, so I'm not just wasting my life away in front of the television :P

I figure blogging about it will help me stay on task, if I know you guys are checking up on me. Feel free to text me throughout the month and see how I'm doing! Positive encouragement is always good. (:

Starts Wednesday, but first step for today: get off the computer and stop being a lazy bum!

EDIT: I can't do the junk food one. I live off of ice cream. (While I'm living at home and have an unlimited supply anyway! Maybe I'll start it when I get to school (: ) Also, I'm not worried about my weight anyway, so I don't see the point of this one :P It's not that I'm giving up or anything, but I only have a few weeks left at home when I can eat such things at my own pleasure. So I'm adapting the original challenge to my own needs!

The next person who reads this will be the 100th viewer! (Well, it will be the 100th time my blog was viewed. Sounded more exciting in my head, but go you!)

I realize the title of this post has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm writing.


It happens.


I have a lot of thoughts running through my head, because of work, because of a book I'm reading, and because of social situations in general. The first is how much I hate it when people lie, whether to themselves or to others. The truth is almost always the best option. If people were just honest about their feelings, others would be able to help them. They can't if they don't know what's wrong, or even that anything is wrong in the first place. Maybe I just speak my mind too much, but reading books and reading what people are supposedly thinking as the events are taking place, it really bugs me when they keep their thoughts to themselves. I guess they can't see the big picture and realize it will help everyone if they just say "hey mom, the reason this bugs me is this." Is it really that hard? I guess this is kind of a random and pointless rant, but the book scenarios were just the start of my thought process. All it's left me to conclude, however, is that honesty is the best policy.


Also, people at work bug me sometimes. This is entirely unrelated to books and honesty (but who knows, maybe I'll end up tying it into honesty somehow). I don't understand why I don't get treated the same as the rest of the "in" crowd, or whatever you want to call them. They're nice and friendly to me, but when they start planning some big party or whatever, they don't bother to invite me. It's pretty much gonna be everyone at work that they like, which apparently doesn't include me. It's not like they're trying to hide its existence from those of us who aren't cool enough to receive an invite, either. I've heard them talk about it on multiple occasions with various different people. (Yes I know that's a repetitive phrase, but I don't even care right now.) What makes me different than them? Is it something I did? Something I said? Or just who I am? Sometimes I think maybe I try too hard. In the book I'm reading, the girl talks about how maintaining popularity is hard work, and that at any moment the platform could fall and you'd be stranded on your own. (See look, I ended talking about my book anyway.) She says "ask a random kid today if she wants to be popular and she'll tell you no, even if the truth is that if she was in a desert dying of thirst and had the choice between a glass of water and instant popularity, she'd probably choose the latter." Seriously? I'd take the freaking water. I'm thirsty just thinking about it. But for some reason, I still try to be like them; still get offended when they don't invite me.


I keep saying I don't care what people thinking, but truth of the matter is, everyone cares, and I'm no exception. There are definitely moments when I care less, but there are also those where I still care too much. "It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and you realize that the people you have known forever don't see the things the way you do. And so you keep the memories, but find yourself moving on" (Nicholas Sparks). When I reblogged this on tumblr recently, I commented that I also realized that the people I used to want to be like aren't the kind of people I want to be around anymore. I used to think they were cool, but now I have realized that they are not. I haven't admitted this to anyone before, but when I first met my roommates at the beginning of last year, just after seeing them the first day or two I thought they were going to be your classic "in crowd" or whatever. A few of them had gone out hot tubbing that first night, while I was left alone at the apartment. At first I wasn't too thrilled at the thought of living with them. But when I saw the roommates my other friends had ended up with, older and more mature, I thought I was glad I got to have the young, fun ones. I saw it as being a break-through, that maybe I'd be friends with the cool kids, and become cool by defect. Of course that's what I had wanted in high school but never got. But as I got to know my roommates, I realized, yes, they were cool and people liked them, but that was because they were nice. They were genuine. They had testimonies. I grew to love them for all that they are. When it came down to it, however, and I could hang out with a bunch of kids in the ward that everyone loved and were fun to be with, there was still something missing. That personal connection, that bond. I came to realize over the course of this year, that while being friends with the cool kids has its perks, what I really needed were true friends. At the end of the day, if I could go talk to one of my best friends, anything else that had happened that day didn't matter anymore. I love them.


Maybe the reason this thing at work is bugging me is the fact that I don't even have any friends to fall back on since they don't care to be my friend. Sure, I've got plenty of friends, but the problem is, they're all between being 40 minutes away to being in Alaska. What am I supposed to do now when I need someone to talk to, tell me I'm great, to reassure me in my moments of self-doubt? Well, I guess the answer I've chosen is to blog, but that'll only get me so far. I miss social interactions. I miss my best friends; all of them. There are between eight and ten people I wish would never be far away. Oh, what's that, I'm moving to Logan where they'll all be 125 miles (2 hours in good traffic) away? With the exception of one who will only be 45 miles away, which is still an hour, but wait, I don't have a car. This is turning into a pity party. Too bad my brother ate the last of the ice cream. I really don't know what I'm talking about anymore.


I guess what it comes down to is, friends are necessary for survival. To be liked is not just a desire, but a need. I do like my alone time, but too much of it isn't good for the health. Case in point, these rambling posts. It doesn't matter what people think, but that doesn't stop us from caring. I miss my friends immensely. I love them more than they know.


One more thing blogging has made me realize about myself: I am selfish.

I'm ready for a new start, a new life. As much as I've dreaded the change, I now await it with open arms.

The Fellowship of the Unashamed

"I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made--I am a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean in His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer and I labor with power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, hired away, turned back, diluted, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, give up till I drop, preach till all know, and work till He stops me. And when He comes my banner will be clear!

I must go 'til he comes. Give 'til I drop. Preach 'til all know. And work 'til he stops me and when he returns for his own he will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear."

--unknown

You may have heard that it is by Henry B. Eyring. That is incorrect. There's also the one that was supposedly Boyd K. Packer about the hush falling around heaven when they found out you lived during Pres. Hinckley's presidency, but that one was addressed in a letter from the First Presidency in sacrament meeting a few years ago. I want to know how these all got started? Who decided to start the rumors, and how do they escalate to become Church-wide? I heard this great poem/quote/whatever last week in sacrament meeting, where a girl said they had memorized it on her mission. Really? I mean, it's great, don't get me wrong, but surely someone in the mission should have done their research and realized it was not spoken by an apostle. Oh well. I just spent close to an hour trying to figure out where it's from. I got a lot of results that said Dr. Bob Moorhead, but someone said they checked his site and he said it wasn't him. The best I've got is it was a young man in Rwanda was told to deny Christ or die, and after he was shot on the spot they found the poem in his room. Perhaps Dr. Moorhead quoted this story.

I would love to memorize it, though; it's fantastic.

I Am David

That's the name of a movie I ended up watching con la mia famiglia this evening. It was surprisingly good. There were moments when I felt it was maybe a tad slow, but had I been in a more creative/artistic mood I'm sure it would have just been touching. Nevertheless, when the movie ended it just left me thinking. Maybe it also had something to do with the fact that as soon as it was over my dad went to make a phone call, because apparently my grandmother is in the hospital... But think I did. I thought about the sad times in my life. The scary times. The only time I've ever seen my dad cry (and not while he was bearing his testimony). The things in life we take for granted. The friendships we wish were stronger. The blessings we don't fully appreciate.

Thanks to google, I now know it is also a book! I'm adding it to my list of "must-reads before summer ends." It's one of those movies that really touches you. Similar to August Rush, Les Miserables, and The Ultimate Gift, in my opinion. It makes me think that I really need to appreciate my blessings more; realize all the great things in life, and stop getting so caught up in what people think of me, or how my life is going to change in a month. Life is an amazing gift. We have so many wonderful things. Just the earth itself is enough to make us stand back in wonder and awe at the amazing gift God has given us, not to mention our bodies which are seriously the most incredible mechanisms, and our agency which rather speaks for itself in magnitude. And on top of all that, He blesses us every day, from the little things like finding our car keys to making sure we make it home safely to healing our sicknesses to inspiring others to say just what we needed to hear. Not to mention that He suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane for every little mistake we make, and the big ones too, out of pure love for us. He then was ridiculed, mocked, spit upon, beaten, bruised, and nailed to a cross so that I can live again. He wants all of us there with Him in the Mansions of His Father. He continues to do all He can to make sure we make it there. He loves us with an incredible love, and how do we repay Him? By forgetting to read His words. By not taking the time to kneel before Him and express gratitude for all that He gives us. By thinking not-so-nice thoughts toward others we encounter, whether it be nagging parents (who honestly just have our best interest at heart), ignorant drivers (who let's face it, could be late for a very important life-changing meeting; we've all been there), or even just people who sometimes don't use their heads (we can't all be blessed with incredible thinking capacities, can we?). Whatever the reason, whatever the excuse, our Savior gave His life for each and every one of us. Even if we do all we can it will never be enough, which is why He paid the price to make up the difference. Let's at least do our best, if not better. Make those sacrifices. Be that shining example. Determine now to always be valiant, no matter the cost.

"One key fortification you can build is to decide now, before you face a challenge, where to draw the line."

"Who's on the Lord's side, who? Now is the time to show."

Relatively (a lot) pissed. Computer dead. Phone post. Don't want to actually blog about angriness for people to read.. Yep, that about sums it up. Night, y'all.

There comes a point where I don't have energy for girls anymore. I'm also stuck blogging from my phone, when I'm very contemplative and in the mood for posting.

I know they tell you not to pray for patience.

But I've done it, a few times now. And all that's happening is I'm becoming more impatient. I hate it. What is wrong with me? I'm unfixable. The main source of my impatience is technology, which I am going through a state of loathing with right now. I just want everything to cooperate so I can go to bed, is that too much to ask? Apparently so.

I know what my problem is. Well, one of many, surely. But when something goes wrong, my first thought isn't to pray for help. And it needs to be. That's the only way I am going to become more patient is if, in the heat of the moment, when everything is going wrong and all I'm becoming is more impatient, I just call upon God to help me. And He will.

Deep breaths.
I can do this.

It's nights like these when I wish I had someone I could turn to at any hour and they'd be there for me.

I keep saying things like that, and it just hit me. That's not gonna happen until I realize that God is someone I can turn to at any hour. He is always there for me. Until I reestablish my relationship with Him, (not sure where it went or how it changed, but regardless, I miss it and wish it was back,) I'm not ready for anyone else to be in my life.

That's what my new focus/goal will be. And either way, it is definitely something I'll need for a mission!

I know I make absolutely zero sense in half of this, but it makes sense in my head, promise. And that's the real reason I write, isn't it? Not an extremely long post, but I guess it just didn't take as much time rambling to get me to come to a new realization this time. Now hopefully this blasted technology lets me go to sleep sometime soon. I'm just too stubborn.

Day 14: Integrity - "Till I die I will not remove mine integrity from me." Job 27:5

I finally made it to the last day. Now, I wasn't completely consistent.. Missed a few days and such. But I finished! That's what matters. And I gave an honest reflection each day, thus developing a greater love for my Savior and myself. And to finish it off, I even attended the temple this evening! It had been far too long. Far longer than I am willing to admit. It was a great experience, as usual. I love the temple so much. I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior over these past couple of weeks as I have taken the time to reflect on my life and my values. It has been marvelous. If the Savior came today, I would like to think I'd be worthy to kneel at his feet.

Myself

I have to live with myself, and so--
I want to be fit for myself to know.
I want to be able as the days go by
Always to look myself straight in the eye.

I don’t want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I’ve done.
I don’t want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself--

And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will know,
The kind of man (or woman) I really am.
I don’t want to dress myself in shame.

I want to go out with my head erect;
I want to deserve all men’s respect,

And, here in the struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.

I don’t want to think, as I come and go
That I am bluster and bluff and empty show.
I can never hide myself from me
I see what others may never see;

I know what others may never know
I can never fool myself! And so--
Whatever happens I want to be
Self respecting and conscience free!

I don't even know what to think of this poem. It's a lot to take in, to comprehend. It's about making the right decisions for me, for my own personal integrity; for self-respect, with a free conscience. Ya know, maybe it's so hard for me to understand because it's something I need to work on. I'd never thought of that. I always thought I had plenty of self-respect. But maybe I really don't. I don't need to be better for anybody else. I need to be better for me.

My heart is full: with gratitude and joy. (:

Day 13: Good Works - "Therefore let your light so shine before this people, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." 3 Nephi 12:16

Almost done!


I try to always put the Savior first in my life and build up His Kingdom. When I ride trax to work, I read the Ensign. I try to always smile at people when I walk by them. I try to notice when others are down and try to cheer them up. I've kind of taken on myself to befriend this kid at work. He seems to really dislike working with this one girl, and whenever the three of us are working together I tell him to cheer up and do my best to help him be happy. He's a good kid. I really enjoy working with him. I should try harder to serve others in all that I do, though. I love serving people and seeing them happy. It's even better when I'm the reason they're happy, and it makes me happy.


His Hands

His hands... Tools of creation... Stronger than nations
Power without end.... And yet through them... We find our truest friend.

His hands... Sermons of kindness...Healing men’s blindness
Halting years of pain... Children waiting... To be held again.
His hands would serve His whole life through
Showing man what hands might do
Giving, ever giving endlessly

Each day was filled with selflessness
And I’ll not rest ... Til I make of my hands what they could be
Like those from Galilee.

His hands...Warming a beggar... Lifting a leper
Calling back the dead... Breaking bread... Five thousand fed.
His hands... Hushing contention... Pointing to Heaven
Ever free of sin... Then bidding man to follow Him

His hands would serve His whole life through
Showing man what hands might do
Giving, ever giving endlessly

Each day was filled with selflessness
And I’ll not rest ... Til I make of my hands what they could be

Like those from Galilee
His hands... Grasped in agony... As he lay pleading, bleeding in the Garden

While just moments away other hands betray him out of greed... Shameful greed

His hands... Are trembling... Straining to carry the beam that they've been nailed to

As he stumbles through the streets... Heading for the hill on which he'd die... He would die

They take his hands... His mighty hands... Those gentle hands
And then they pierce them... They pierce them
He lets them because of love
From birth to death... Was selflessness

And clearly now... I see Him with His hands calling to me
And though I’m not yet how I should be

He has shown me how I could be
I will make my hands like those from Galilee.

I loooove this song, so much. I cry every time I perform it.


Because of all He has done, I really want need to be a better servant.

Day 12: Choice and Accountability - "Choose you this day whom ye will serve... But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." Joshua 24:15

So this is probably really dumb, but whenever I have a huge decision to make, I've never really straight up prayed about it. I mean, it's probably been a prayer in my heart, but I dunno why, it's just never been something I did. For example, when I decided to come to BYU, it wasn't as a result of a prayer, it was logically the right thing to do. I mean, I guess, yeah, we're supposed to work matters out for ourselves first, but we're still supposed to take them to the Lord. I guess I've just always been really bad at that. However, last semester I actually prayed a lot about whether or not going to USU was the right thing for me. I just have so many worries and concerns, and it logically makes sense to go there, but emotionally I'd rather stay at BYU. But then, after I went up to Logan for my audition into the program, that night we were sitting in my apartment and I just felt this calm peace come over me, and I knew everything was gonna be alright. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that we'd spent the afternoon with Amy's best friend, Misty, who goes to school up there, and meeting her and some of her friends made me realize that there are still some really good people up there. I think that was part of my concern with leaving Provo and its "bubble." From then on, even though it's been really hard to think that I'll most likely never live in Provo again, I've come to terms with it and am accepting that this is what I need to do. And in ways, I can definitely see that this will benefit me. In other ways, I'm still waiting to see the blessings in store.


Because of this experience, I vow to always seek Christ's help when I have a choice to make. Even in the little things in life. I try to always "stand for truth and righteousness," and with Christ's help, I can.


Here is a story about Pam Reed, and the difficult choice she had to make.


When I decided to go back to school to get my degree, I knew it would  cause a financial hardship on my family. But, we had prayed about it and knew it was  right. So the decision was made. I tried to cut corners every way that I could. One of the ways that I did  that was to take advantage of the many free luncheons at school. Usually these lunches  were offered by different religious clubs or sororities that had a lecturer coming  to speak. I found these lunches often interesting and fun to listen to. On one such  occasion, however, I found myself very uncomfortable with the speaker.  This luncheon took place at a non-denominational Christian club. The   speaker began a very interesting talk about Christ but then he went on to say that   several religions did not believe in Christ. One of those he named was the Mormon  church.
I began to feel very uncomfortable. What should I do? I knew this wasn’t  true for we are the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I didn’t   know what to do. I knew my Heavenly Father would not want me to create a  spirit of contention. But, I also knew that this wasn’t the truth.  At first I thought, let it lie. I can’t do anything about it anyway. But  then the words of the Young Women’s theme came to me. "We will ’stand as  witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places..." I knew I had to correct this  error as a witness of God. The speaker concluded as my wrestle with myself ended. I said a silent  prayer to my Heavenly Father to have peace and love in my heart. Then, I  went to talk to the speaker. I explained that he had made a grave error when he said the Mormon  church did not believe in Christ. I told him the true name of our church and  bore testimony of the divinity of Christ and of my great love for Him.  Through it all I felt great peace and comfort. By the end of our conversation, I had seen this man go from a countenance  of anger to one of respect. He turned to me and said, "You are right, I know  now that I am mistaken. I will have to learn more about your church for I  see you do believe in our Savior."
Often I have thought of this conversation. What great joy it has given me  to know that I had the strength to stand as a witness of truth and righteousness.


I hope I can have that kind of courage. I have a feeling that is something I will run into more up at Utah State than I would have otherwise.


On another note, I'm doing better (ish) at my sleep goal! Sunday night I was so exhausted that I went to bed around 10! Although then Chelsey showed up on my doorstep so I sat and talked with her for a few minutes (I couldn't fall asleep anyway), and then made it back to bed only to not be able to sleep for a while. But I'm pretty sure I was at least asleep by midnight! And I woke up at, brace yourselves, 6:30. In the morning! Shocking, I know. But it didn't last long. Last night I kind of fell asleep sometime between 12 and 2, but didn't get up till 11:30. ): It was terrible. But I'm getting up at 8 tomorrow to go hiking! So excited! I think I just need to have motivation to get up in the morning and I can. It also helps if I go to bed early enough :P Speaking of which, since it's already past 1, I should go to sleep! 14 day challenge is almost up (although I haven't been as diligent at making it 14 days as I would have liked. Sunday it wasn't my fault, our router broken so I couldn't post. ..That's about my only excuse, though, haha), and I finally read the first talk from this past conference! I was originally waiting to find my copy from last conference, so I could finish there before I started this one, but I realized I only had one talk from the Relief Society broadcast left anyway, so I just read it online. I love conference, conference talks, and prophets and apostles! I met President Packer as he was leaving the Church Office Building last week :D So cool. He was in the parking garage, going from his wheelchair to the car, and we were going to work. Heather asked if it would be inappropriate if we asked to shake his hand, and he welcomed us right over (: Such a sweet old man. Love them.


Also, I love Dylan and Mallory. We hung out last night, and they're seriously just the greatest friends. <3


And.


MY BROTHER IS AT EFY RIGHT NOW. AS WE SPEAK. (Or, rather, as I type and you read. Although not at the same time. Anyhoo. Beside the point.) He actually wanted to go, and was super excited! Although I'm not sure if the main reason was the girls or not.. (He's close to getting two girls' numbers, apparently! THIS close, |_| he said. Lol.) But either way. He's there. He very well could have an amazing spiritual experience! I really hope so.


Enough rambling. My pillow is calling.

Day 11: Knowledge - "Seek learning, even by study, and also by faith." D&C 88:118

All knowledge comes from God. It is important to know the truth. The Holy Ghost can not only help us know the truth, but know why as well. Sometimes the little things we do every day as part of our commitment to the Gospel start to seem mundane, even boring sometime. But if we only remember why we do them, "the majesty, the beauty, and the exhilarating joy."

This is the talk I read today, because no poem can impart as much knowledge as we can gain from the words of prophets and apostles.

Next step:

1. Find a highlighter.
2. Read my issue of the May Ensign I purchased last week!

So excited. I love these men.

In the words of President Dieter F. Uchtdorf,

"Your Heavenly Father loves you with an infinite love. Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time! He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom."

Day 10: Individual Worth - "Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." D&C 18:10

I love my cousin's facebook status from this evening: "Live life so that others will want to know Him because they know you." They should be able to see the light in our eyes. It's not just some imaginary thing people talk about to make us feel special. We really do have a glow about us when we are doing what's right and are a shining example to those we see. You know those people who have more of a glow than others. At the fireside tonight, Pres. Ruben talked about his interview with a young man going on a mission who said he wanted to marry someone with that glow. I want that, too. More than anything. You can see the difference in glows throughout the church, even. And as Pres. Ruben mentioned, "birds of a feather flock together," or as I like to quote, "intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light." We attract what we are. I need to be as great as I once was; better, even, so that I may find someone with that perfect glow.

The Touch of the Master's Hand


‘Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer thought it scarcely worth his   while To waste his time on the old violin, But he held it up with a smile. "What am  I bid, good friends?" He cried. "Who’ll start the bidding for me? One  dollar! Only one? And who will make it two? Two dollars, once. And Three!  Three dollars, once. And three dollars, twice. And going, and going," but  no... From the back of the room a gray-haired man came forward and picked up  the bow. And wiping the dust from the old violin, And tightening the loose   strings, He played a melody pure and sweet as caroling angels sing. The music   ceased, and the auctioneer with a voice that was quiet and low, Said, "What   am I bid for the old violin?" As he held up the bow. "One thousand dollars, and who’ll make it two. Two thousand dollars, and  three! Three thousand, once. And three thousand, twice. And going, and going, and  gone!" said he. The people cheered, but some of them cried, "We don’t quite   understand
What changed its worth." Swift came the reply. "’Twas the touch of the   master’s hand." And many a man with life out of tune and battered and scarred with sin, Is  auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd, much like this old violin. A mess  of pottage, a glass of wine. A game and he travels on. He’s going once, and  going twice. And going, and almost gone. But the Master comes, and the  thoughtless crowd never can quite understand The worth of a soul, and the   change that is wrought by the touch of the Master’s hand.


We are all children of God, and we need to start seeing ourselves and those around us the way He sees us: with great potential. Even after all He knows about us, all our faults and mistakes, He still loves us. If we can't see that in others, we need to change our thoughts and actions for the better so we can have a more positive attitude towards others and life in general.

Day 9: Divine Nature - "Be partakers of the divine nature... giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; and to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity." 2 Peter 1:4-7

[I missed a day, for no good reason, other than that I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. So I decided to just focus on day 9 for another day, instead of trying to write about both in one day.]

I love my Father in Heaven and my Brother, Jesus Christ. I wish I was more like them in every way. I definitely have my struggles, but who doesn't? I try to be as patient, kind, and charitable as I can, but I'm still working on it. I need to be willing to give up things of the world in order to receive His good gifts.

The Pearls


The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with  her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them; a circle of glistening white  pearls in a pink foil box. "Oh please, Mommy, can I have them? Oh, Mommy,  please!"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked  back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl’s upturned face. "A  dollar ninety-five. That’s almost $2.00. If you really want them, I’ll  think of some extra chores for you an in no time you can save enough money to  buy them for yourself. Your birthday’s only a week away and you might get  another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17  pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to  the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten  cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at  last she had enough money to buy the necklace. Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere -Sunday school, kindergarten, even  to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a  bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed,  he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story.  One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"  "Oh, yes, Daddy. You know that I love you." "Then give me your pearls."   "Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess - the white horse from   my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one you  gave me. She’s my favorite." "That’s okay, Honey. Daddy love you. Good   night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny’s daddy asked again, "Do   you love me?" "Daddy, you know I love you." "Then give me your pearls."  "Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one  I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow   blanket that matches her sleeper." "That’s okay. Sleep well. God bless  you, little one. Daddy love you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later, when  her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed  Indian-style. As he came close, He noticed her chin was trembling and one  silent tear rolled down her cheek. "What is it, Jenny? What’s the matter?"  Jenny didn’t say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And  when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, Daddy.  It’s for you." With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny’s kind daddy  reached out with one hand to take the dime-store necklace, and with the other  hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a  strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny. He had had them all the  time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her genuine treasure.   So like our Heavenly Father.

I really need to focus on the fact that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. It may seem hard to give some things up, but He knows what's best for me and has something even better waiting for me. I just need to trust Him.

Day 8: Faith - "And, if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God." -D&C 14:7

It's interesting how faith, the Holy Ghost, and keeping the commandments are all related. You see, the Holy Ghost tells you to keep the commandments, keeping the commandments tests your faith, and you need faith to follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost. ...And I basically just stated the same thing thrice. And yes, I just used the word thrice.

It's important to always strive to keep the commandments, and every once in a while, take a step back and evaluate your life. Are you on track for the Celestial Kingdom? I guess this happens every time you have a temple recommend interview. "Do you feel you are worthy to enter the House of the Lord?" Another good way to test yourself is Alma 5. The whole thing is full of perfect questions to determine your personal worthiness. The best guide, however, is the Holy Ghost. He will always prompt  you in the right direction if you're doing your best to do what is right. Then the question becomes, do you have the faith to follow its promptings? Sometimes that's all it takes is that little ounce of faith. It'll give you that extra boost. The Holy Ghost will help you endure to the end so you may return to live with Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

Faith of Little Mary

The father, a well digger, strong was he,
And as loving and kind as a father could be.
And Mary his daughter, Just five years old,
Was very much dearer than millions in gold.
To Mary her father was big, grand and nice,
So each had a treasure, beyond any price.

One day to the well, little Mary was sent
To take daddy’s lunch, how gladly she went.
But when she looked down, not a thing could be seen.
The well, like a pocket, was dark as could be.
The father saw Mary and heard her voice, too,
But made not a sound, just to see what she’d do.

She dropped to her knees, the dear little soul,
And called down, “Oh, Daddy, are you down this hole?”
“Why, yes Mary darling, I’m here at your feet,
Just drop my lunch for I’m ready to eat.
Just let it go easy, I’ll catch it all right.”
She did and she saw it fall out of sight.

“Why Mary,” said father, “There’s enough here for two,
Now this is the thing I would like you to do.
You jump down here to me and we’ll eat it together,
Down here in the cool and away from the weather.”
“Oh, daddy, I’m afraid, I can’t see you at all,
Be sure now you catch me and don’t let me fall.”

‘Twas just for a moment she wavered in doubt,
Then closing her dear little eyes she jumped out.
In the darkness, yes, that was the test,
She trusted in faith At her father’s request.
And both were so happy he kissed her and smiled
Because of the sweet trusting faith of his child.

“Oh, sweet little Mary, you put me to shame,
How often my Father Has called me the same,
But because it was dark I turned back in doubt.
Refusing the call, though his arms were stretched out.”

The faith of a child. Simply amazing. Our Father in Heaven is ever waiting for us with outstretched arms. He wants us to return to Him. All it takes is a little faith on our part.

I miss my brother.

And I miss my family.

This might sound weird, seeing as I live with them and see them all on a daily basis (usually). But as I was sitting in church today, with a cute family in front of me with their two daughters and a son, it hit me. I miss the four of us sitting together at church. And the four of us doing anything together, really. My brother often (at least 90% of the time, I'd say,) ditches out on family activities. I know we can't force him, but I miss it. I miss us. Is this what the Celestial Kingdom is gonna be like if he doesn't make it (assuming the rest of us do)? I don't know if I can bear that. It wouldn't feel the same without my brother. Not at all. I need to do everything in my power to get him back. I need him as part of the family again.

14 day walk with Christ, and I've made it a week! I'm half way there! I don't know if I've ever made it this far. Maybe when I first got it, but I really don't remember. Day 7: Integrity - I will have the moral courage to make my actions consistent with my knowledge of right and wrong.

Of course it is important to choose the right, but do we ever think about the reason we make decisions? Not only do we need to do what is right, but with the right attitude and for the right reasons as well. The reverse is also true. It doesn't matter what our intentions are if we are still making wrong decisions. We never know who is watching, and we need to always be setting a righteous example for others; even if no one is watching. Heavenly Father is watching over us and knows what we do, even when no one else is around. I've realized, I need to especially be on my guard up at Utah State. I don't want to attract the wrong people, even just as friends. I have a feeling it will be slightly similar to high school, wherein there are a majority of Latter-day Saints, but a decent number who are not. And of those who are, there will be some who haven't fully figured it out yet and are still struggling to choose the right. I need to be an example for them, and I can't let them drag me down.

The Swimsuit


Morning...yuck! Even though there were only a few more days of school left, it sure was hard getting there. The weather had been great all week and besides the only thing going on at school was graduation practice. It wasn't just me, either. All of my senior friends had a bad case of "Senioritis". We really were struggling those last few days. At school my friends devised a plan. "After lunch lets all go over to the outdoors pool and catch some sun," they chimed in. "We're not doing any thing in class anyway," they agreed. What they said made sense, and after all, we had already turned in our books in English anyway. When the bell rang for lunch we all went and jumped in my car. As I waited in the car while they each went in to get their suits, I wondered to myself, "Why am I doing this?" But then I concluded what could it hurt? School was almost out for the year anyway. We pulled up to my house and I quickly ran inside to get my suit. I reached into my drawer and pulled out my light lavender swim suit. "Lavender....Purple....Integrity," I said to myself. How could I slough school and go down to the pool wearing this swimsuit? All the things I had bee taught in young women's came back slamming me in the face. Right then I knew I couldn't do it. I turned to my friends who were waiting impatiently for me. "Listen you guys, I can't go swimming right now." I told my friends. "If you want to wait till after school I'd love to go, but right now I can't." My lavender swim suit reminded me of how I should act at all times, and in all things, and in all places. 

Even the smallest decisions matter. I know there have been times when I haven't been 100% honest about things, even when it comes to schoolwork, sadly to say. That is going to stop. I am deciding right now that I will always be 100% honest, especially when it comes to my education.

Side note: I always thought it was spelt "sluffing." Who knew?

Day 6: Good Works - I will nurture others and build the kingdom through righteous service

This might be an odd analogy, but as I was watching Doctor Who today, there was an episode where one of the characters asked, "what would the Doctor do?" and I sat there and thought for a second, what would he do? That's a very tough situation she's in, I don't know how she'll get out of it. But she immediately knew what to do and it all worked out in the end (of course). She must have really known the Doctor well to know what he would do. Even all the episodes I've watched I wouldn't have figured it out. Alas, relating this to the Gospel. Do we ever think, what would Jesus do? I know we've all heard the phrase, WWJD and all that, but do we actually apply it? And if so, how do we know? I mean, yes, we all have our sense of right and wrong and should know that we shouldn't say mean things and should pay our tithing regularly, but some decisions are more complicated than that. Not every step in dating or giving to the poor is laid out for us. Each person's circumstances need to be accounted for. If you're in $50,000 worth of debt, you're not going to go hand out $100 bills to homeless people downtown. However, if we truly get to know our Savior by reading about His life, applying His teachings, and working to develop a personal relationship with Him, we will know what He would do in those tricky situations. He should always be our example we look to on how to treat others. Sometimes, our lives get crazy and hectic, and we become too busy, hurried, or involved with worldly matters that we might neglect what is really important. I know this is sometimes true with me. But if we just take the time to smell the roses, we will see the important things in life. At the end of the day when we ask ourselves, "have I done any good in the world today?" we should be able to answer with a resounding, "yes!"

Making a difference

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a small figure in  the distance. As he got close, he realized the figure was that of a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked,  "What are you doing?"The youth replied, "Throwing starfish in the ocean. The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die." "Son," the man said, "don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach  and hundreds of starfish? You can’t possibly make a difference!: After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it into the surf. Then smiling at the man, he said, "I made a  difference for that one."

We truly can make a difference. Even if it's the tiniest detail, it may mean the world to someone. "By small and simple means are great things brought to pass." Heck, we may not even know until years down the road that our example had an impact on someone's life. But who knows? Someone could be watching your every move as we speak. (Or, rather, as you read my blog post. Which could potentially be rather creepy, now that I think of it...) Okay, sorry, killed that one. Point is, You CAN make a difference.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

I'm worried about my brother :/

I mean, I kinda always am, but today it honestly made me sad.

My parents left this morning, and each said separately, "bye, love you." And both times, all he said was "bye." As I listened from my room (still in bed, which is why I didn't say anything), I thought for sure he'd say it the second time, since he didn't the first.. but no such luck. What does it mean? What can I do? I love my little bro so much, I just wish he knew it.

*sigh*

Day 5: Choice and Accountability - I will remain free by choosing good over evil and will accept responsibility for my choices

I need to think of the Savior more often, not only when I am about to make a decision, with WWJD and all that, but just in general. He needs to remain a part of my thoughts. I once heard "you become what you think about most." It may have just been some cheesy line from a powerpoint, but I stand by it. If I want to go on a mission, I need to stop thinking about how much I want to get married and have adorable children. (Although if an opportunity presents itself in the next year, I'll gladly take it. The marriage part, not the children.) I always seem to go off on tangents when writing posts. See, this entire paragraph has had nothing to do with choice and accountability.

It is very important that I think of Christ when I need to make a decision. I need to think of what He would do, how He would feel if I do the opposite, and of all that He has already suffered for me and that I don't want Him to have to suffer more. However, when I do slip up (which, let's face it, happens far too frequently for my liking), His Atonement will cover it. It is conditional, though. It requires Godly sorrow and true repentance.

The story for today's challenge isn't necessarily happy. It kind of puts you through a guilt trip. It makes you reflect on your past mistakes and shortcomings and on what you wish you could do differently. It makes me want to be a better person.

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.    There were no features except for the one wall covered by small index card   files. These files stretched from floor to ceiling and went endlessly in  both directions. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my  attention was one that read, "Boys I Have Liked." I opened it and began  flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names on each one. I then realized  where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog  system of my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and   small, in every detail. A sense of wonder and curiosity mixed with horror   stirred within me as I began opening files and looking at their contents.    Some brought joy and sweet memories, others a sense of shame and regret so   intense that I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.   A file named, "Friends" was next to the one marked, "Friends I Have   Betrayed". The titles ranged from he mundane to the weird, "Books I Have   Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed  At", "People I Have Hurt". Some were almost funny in their exactness.  "Things I Have Done in Anger", :Things I Have Muttered Under MY Breath at My  Parents".

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes,  fewer than I had hoped. I was overwhelmed by the volume of life I had lived.  Could it be possible that I had the time in my young life to write each of  these thousands or millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth, each was written in  my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked, "Songs I Have Listened To", I realized   the files grew to contain the contents. The cards were packed tightly, yet   after two or three yards I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it,   shamed, not so much of the quality of the music, but more by the amount of   time I knew it represented. When I came to the file marked, "Lustful   Thoughts", I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out inch by   inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at the   details. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. A rage   broke through me. "No one must see these cards. No one must ever see this   room. I have to destroy them." In a frenzy, I yanked the file out. Its size   didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. I took it out and   pounded it on the floor. Not a single card would come out. I desperately   pulled out a card and tried to rip it, but it was as strong as steel. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a sigh, then I saw it.  The title, "People I Have Shared the Gospel With". The handles were  brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle  and a small box fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on  one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to cry. Sobbing so deep it hurt my  stomach. I fell on my knees and cried out in shame. The rows of shelves  whirled around me. No one must ever know of this room. I must lock it up  and hide the key. But as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please,  not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus! I watched helplessly as He began to open  the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. In the moments that I could bring myself to look at  His face, I saw sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to go to the worst  boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at  me with pity in His eyes. But this wasn't a pity that angered me. I dropped my head and began to  cry again. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me. Then He got up  and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, he  took out a card and one by one He began to sign His name over mine. "NO!: I  shouted, rushing at Him. All I could find to say was, "NO, NO", as I pulled  the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on those cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so   alive. The name JESUS covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the cards back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign  all the cards. I do not think I will ever understand how he did it so  quickly. But, the next instance it seemed, I heard Him close the last file  and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is  finished", I stood up and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on  the door. There are still cards to be written.

Not only do I not want to cause any of that pain to my dear Savior and Friend, but I want to be able to say that I have been His loyal servant. I hope my "Comfort I Have Given" and "People I Have Shared the Gospel With" categories are sufficiently large.

Now, I am extremely tired right now and don't want to start rambling, so I'm just going to end with this. I am so grateful that my Savior was willing to suffer for me. He has already gone through so much, and I don't want Him to have to go through any more, so I will be valiant. I will "try a little harder to be a little better." Just a little at a time is all it takes. "Line upon line, precept upon precept." What I say and do can make a difference. I need to start preparing now to serve a mission. This preparation will also prepare me for marriage without obsessing over it. I love this Gospel. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and whatever is meant to happen will, in His own due time.

Day 4: Knowledge - I will continually seek opportunities for learning and growth

When I quickly read through day 4's challenge this morning, my eyes immediately jumped to the third sentence: Do I take the time to pray?

I have a confession to make. It was one of those mornings where I had gotten 2, maybe 3 hours of sleep tops, and I was exhausted. I didn't want to get out of bed, let alone get up early enough to read my scriptures or pray. I decided while I was lying there that I had plenty of time to read on trax (which I did, mind you,) but I realized if I was going to make/keep/whatever the habit of praying every morning and night, I needed to this morning more than ever. Mostly because I had remembered the night before, which I never do since I only ever remember in the mornings, and I needed to make a streak out of it. Also, thinking back on it, a certain quote pops into mind: "It matters not whether you or I feel like praying, when the time comes to pray, pray. If we do not feel like it, we should pray till we do... You will find that those who wait till the Spirit bids them pray will never pray much on this earth" (Brigham Young). So nevertheless, I semi-knelt on my bed, since it is too high to actually kneel next to it, and said a quick, hurried, very repetitive prayer. I don't know why, but I've found lately that I can never figure out what to say and end up repeating myself. And it's not like I'm repeating those trite phrases they tell you not to repeat, although I'm sure I do that plenty enough, but when there's a lull I say the first thing that pops into my head, which is usually something I have already said. On my list of talks to read is a talk entitled "Improving Our Prayers," by Joseph B. Wirthlin, at I believe a BYU devotional. I feel like this talk will really help me at this point in my life, as well as a blog post on prayer I have saved to read. This is something I really want to work on. I need to.

Anyhoo, back on topic. The story for today's challenge is a poem, a letter of sorts.

Dear Friend,

I just had to send you a note to tell you how much I love you and care about  you. I saw you yesterday as you were walking with your friends. I waited  all day hoping you would want to talk with me, also. It hurt me that you  didn’t talk to me, but I still love you because I am your friend.  I saw you fall asleep last night, and I longed to touch your brow. So I  spilled moonlight on your pillow and your face. Again I waited, wanting to  rush down so that we could talk. I have so many gifts for you, but you awakened late the next day and rushed off to school. My tears were in the rain.


Today I noticed you looked sad, and upset. It makes my heart ache because I understand. My friends let me down and hurt me so many times too. But, I  love you. Oh, if only you would listen to me. I really love you. I try to tell you in the blue sky and in the green grass. I whisper in the leaves on the trees, and breathe it in the color of the flowers. I shout it to you in the mountain streams and give the birds love songs to sing, clothe you in warm sunshine and perfume the air with nature scents. My love for you is deeper than the oceans and bigger than the biggest want or need in your heart.


If you only knew how much I want to help you. I want you to meet my Father.    He wants to help you, too. My Father is that way, you know. Just call me,   ask me, talk with me. Please, please don’t forget me. I have so much to   share with you. But, I won’t hassle you any further. You are free to call   me. It’s up to you. I’ll wait because I love you.
Your brother, 

Jesus

My mother had this hanging in our bathroom all growing up. I wonder what she did with that.... I will have to inquire of her in the morning. But this is something that always hits home with me. I am guilty as charged, and always have been. Prayers have always been a struggle for me, I don't know why. I just can't seem to get myself into the habit of it; I simply can't remember to do so. The Bible Dictionary tells us that "as soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father, and we are His children), then at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part (Matt. 7:7-11). Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship." Interesting way to interpret that scripture, I must say... But that's beside the point. The point is, that scripture really hurts me. I feel like I do understand my divine nature as a daughter of God, but clearly I don't. Otherwise I would have no trouble remembering to pray every morning and night. I had finally begun to be in the habit of doing so towards the end of the semester, but change always throws me for a loop, in more ways than one, so moving home got rid of the habit, and I haven't been able to pick it back up again. There are so many things I need to work on that it sometimes feels overwhelming. But "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

One last thing that really got to me about this letter was the closing. I have always known that Jesus Christ is my Lord, Savior, Redeemer, Helper, and Friend, but sometimes I forget that He is also my Older Brother. His caring for me is as gentle as an older brother who cares about the well-being of his younger sister. It's a sweet gesture, and I really need to be more considerate. He loves me, and I need to better show my gratitude to Him in all that I say and do every day.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE SAID EXPELLIARMUS!

Day 3: Individual Worth - I am of infinite worth with my own divine mission which I will strive to fulfill

Christ sacrificed immensely for me. For me. If He had to do it all over again for me, He would. It is in every way irrepayable. He cares for me that much. I am that important that He loves me soo much and gave all He has for me. I know sometimes we all have our self-worth issues, and yet still think we're better than everyone else. I'm still working on finding that balance of individual worth and humility. I know I am a beloved daughter of God, and He loves me immensely. But He loves everyone, and I am no better than anyone else. No worse, either. It doesn't matter what other people think. I know my worth, and God knows it, and that's all that matters.


Here's the story from today. It is entitled "The Son."


"Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they traveled around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their collection. Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet and many others adorned the walls of the family estate. The widowed elder man looked on with satisfaction as his only child became an experienced art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors round the world.


As winter approached, war engulfed the nation, and the young man left to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, his father received a telegram. His beloved son was missing in action. The art collector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his son again. Within days, his fears were confirmed. The young man had died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic.


Distraught and lonely, the old man faced the upcoming Christmas holidays with anguish and sadness. The joy of the season - a season that he and his
son had so looked forward to - would visit his house no longer.


On Christmas morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed old man. As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls only reminded him that his son was not coming home. As he opened the door, he was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand. He introduced himself to the man by saying,"I was a friend of your son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a few moments? I have something to show you."


As the two began to talk, the solider told of how the man's son had told everyone of his-not to mention his father's- love of fine art. "I'm an artist," said the soldier, "and I want to give you this." As the old man unwrapped the package, the paper gave way to reveal a portrait of the man's son.


Though the world would never consider it the work of a genius, the painting featured the young man's face in striking detail. Overcome with emotion, the man thanked the soldier, promising to hang the picture above the fireplace.


A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set about his task. True to his word, the painting went above the fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars of paintings. And then the man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he had been given.


During the days and weeks that followed, the man realized that even though his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on because of
those he had touched. He would soon learn that his son had rescued dozens of wounded soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart. As the stories of his son's gallantry Continued to reach him, fatherly pride and Satisfaction began to ease the grief. The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far eclipsing any interest in the pieces for which museums around the world clamored. He told his neighbors it was the greatest gift he had ever received. The following spring, the old man became ill and passed away.


The art world was in anticipation. With the collector's passing, and his only son dead, those paintings would be sold at an auction. According to the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on Christmas day, the day he had received his greatest gift. The day soon arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid on some of the world's most spectacular paintings. Dreams would be fulfilled this day; greatness would be achieved as many would claim "I have the greatest collection."


The auction began with a painting that was not on any museum's list. It was the painting of the man's son. The auctioneer asked for an opening bid. The room was silent. "Who will open the bidding with $100?" he asked.


Minutes passed. No one spoke. From the back of the room came, "Who cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son. Let's forget it and go on to the good stuff." More voices echoed in agreement. "No, we have to sell this one first," replied the auctioneer.


"Now, who will take the son?" Finally, a friend of the old man spoke. "Will you take ten dollars for the painting? That's all I have. I knew the boy, so
I'd like to have it." "I have ten dollars. Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer. After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going
twice. Gone." The gavel fell. Cheers filled the room and someone exclaimed, "Now we can get on with it and we can bid on these treasures!"


The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced the auction was over.


Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Someone spoke up and asked, "What do you mean it's over? We didn't come here for a picture of some old guy's son, What about all of these paintings? There are millions of dollars of art here! I demand that you explain what's going on here!."


The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of the father, whoever takes the son.. gets it all."


Puts things into perspective, doesn't it? Just as those art collectors discovered on that Christmas day, the message is still the same - the love of a Father - a Father whose greatest joy came from his son who went away and gave his life rescuing others. And because of that Father's love..whoever takes the Son gets it all."

It's amazing. Christ is the center of everything. If we don't accept who He is and what He has done for us, we can't have any sort of happiness. He is the center of all happiness. Once we accept that He knows what's best for us, we can ultimately find happiness, in this life as well as the next. "Whoever takes the Son gets it all." We can inherit all that the Father has. We can have it all. And all because our Father in Heaven loves us so much that He was willing to send His Son to sacrifice for us. It pained Him to watch, but His love for us won out in the end. I am so grateful for that love. I know sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. But that's just all the more reason to try that much harder, to feel worthy of His unconditional love. Because I am worth it, and I have a mission to fulfill here on earth, which I will accomplish with strength, wisdom, vitality, and through my divine talents. I am so blessed. (: